Sad that 25 years ago Homer Simpson seemed like a looser in American culture and now it’s like: “Whoa…that guy has a job AND owns a home?”
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Pressure washing is like regular washing but with a lot of yelling and tight deadlines.
(mcdonalds drive thru employee hands me bag) wow that was fast. you must’ve made this before
Cops are always like “Where were you when the murder took place” and never “How were you when the murder took place”
[pulled over]
ME: Ok, don’t let him know you’re an alligator
COP: Sir, step out of the car & walk in a straight line
ME: [exhale] thank God…
Before marriage: fantasizes spending life together.
After marriage: fantasizes spending life insurance alone.
She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.
If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you
waiter: how do you want your eggs?
me: yellow
sam: i’m telling you
we’re going out of town in a week if anyone can watch the dinosaurs for us
Last minute gift idea:
Give someone a bucket of water and tell them your sorry their ice sculpture melted
I cannot escape the 45 year old man who spends millions to look 43. I don’t want to see him anymore but he is everywhere. Oh no the doorbell, it’s him he’s here
“On my way” I said, pretending to drive my bed.
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
People in my office act like they’ve never seen someone in formal working pajamas before.
Google Pay be like:
I feel like whoever named it a “magic marker” was really overselling their product expectation-wise.
Somebody in my gang is an undercover police horse. I’ve narrowed it down to Dave, Kyle and Sugarcube
judge: “you have chosen to defend yourself, is that correct?”
me: [muffled from inside full suit of armour] “that’s correct”
Husband: Well, for starters, she introduces me as her current husband.
Marriage counselor: …
Me: …
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was attempting to take off my sports bra.
ME: Your doll is creeping me out! Is it haunted?
NEW MOM: That’s my baby, you idiot.
*Brings axe to slumber party*
“Oops. I thought you said ‘lumber party'”
*Knew the whole time*
*Waits until they’re asleep*
*Chops down tree*
Fun prank: Tweet “Brb gonna pet the tigers in the zoo” and then don’t tweet for nine years.
I just yelled at some kids to get off my lawn. They were my own kids, but they can find somewhere else to play like everybody else.
new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people had asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
If you drop a peanut in a shag rug forget it, let it go.
Waiter: and for you?
Me: *after rehearsing in my head for 15 minutes* the chimney changas
After clipping my toddler’s fingernails for over 2 years, I think I could diffuse a bomb while riding a roller coaster.
Husband, “Aaaaannnd that completes my order.”
Tombstone Engraver, “Are you sure you want it spelled like this….Belovud wyfe, freind, and muther?”
Husband, “She can’t correct me now.”