You never know how strong you are…until your power steering goes out.
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Me: *Puts on skis* I’ve not done this before! *Nervously pulls on ski goggles*
Driving instructor: Please get out of my bed
Me: What would you do to a Klondike bar?
Wife: To or for?
Me: Just one
Interviewer: it says here your interests include connecting people
Me: correcting people, actually
I: no it’s-
Me: i know what it says
[peeing behind a tree]
bonsai artist: I have restrooms
Shot my first turkey today. . scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section…
Remembering the year my son sent me a Mother’s Day card saying ‘you’re like a mother to me.’
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
*At a restaurant, 3yo not sitting still*
Aunt Lisa: What’s wrong, dude, do you have ants in your pants?
3: *Looks stunned, drops pants*. Can you get them out?!
Parents, let this be a reminder that young kids will take 99.9% of what you say literally.
Satisfied that he had all the ingredients he needed, Phineas moved on to the next big question – how to get it into the dog’s food.
[First Date]
Me: So this has been great.
*moves in for a kiss*
Me: Jesus, a little handsy there.
Octopus: I can’t… I can’t help it.
I was talking to my wife last night. Man, it sounds like her husband is a real jerk.
“When a girl says ‘Awww Thanks!’, it means she’s politely asking you to return to the friend zone that you just tried to escape from.”
My 4yo may have misunderstood the fire safety information, but that hasn’t dampened his enthusiasm and now he’s walking round shouting “Stop Rock and Roll” like some 1980s puritanical parent.
Eating fruit loops out of a plastic baggy on the train and nodding at a baby doing the same thing.
I possess a devastating combination of perfectionism and incompetence
I learned the name of my neighbor’s dog today.
In other news, I now have free wifi.
Billy Joel: You may be right, I may be crazy! But it just may be a lunatic you’re looking for…
Billy Joel’s 3 ex-wives: Yeah. Nope.
Him: I really like your car
Me: Thanks!
H: What is it?
Me: Uh……black?
COMPANY: HIRING URGENTLY NO EXPERIENCE NEEDED APPLY NOW.
ME: *sends resume*
COMPANY: *no response*
Me: I’m nervous about this interview
Mom: Just focus on the interviewer and answer the questions
Me: That’s a good idea
Interviewer: It is a good idea
Eve: *chewing* what was that thing we weren’t supposed to eat?
God: please tell me you didn’t eat the apple
Eve: *licking fingers* oh haha no
God: …where’s Adam?
Actually, Frankincense was the name of the doctor who created it. You’re thinking of Frankincense’s monster.
“Why is this food more expensive than it was this morning”
“Sir this is a Wendy’s”
Me: *screaming along to death-metal*
My child, who I forgot was in the car:
I bet Ryan Gosling doesn’t even blow his candles out. He probably just winks at them and they faint.
Got kicked out of the Navy Seals for splashing the other guys in the pool
CO-WORKER: Ten minutes until quitting time!
ME: Wow, you’re resigning too?
Him: You’re on a diet. Why buy all this candy?
Me: Because the alternative is called stealing.
detective: could you please describe the man who assaulted you
me: [first day as a police sketch artist but i lied on my resume and can only draw popeye] uh oh
victim: well he had large forearms
me: oh thank christ