When a pair of scissors hear you’re looking for them
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“Hi, my daughter will be late to school because she can zip up her jacket by herself.”
I’m like a cartoon character, not because I’m cute or funny, but because I wear the same clothes every day.
Don’t tell me you’re into the Halloween spirit unless you go into a haunted house willing to die.
Live by one rule: trust no one but yourself. But at the same time, can I borrow your car tomorrow night?
{Commercial for Floors}
Is this you?
{footage of man falling endlessly to oblivion}
[First day as a Scientist]
Boss: We need some petrified wood
Me: *Tells ghost stories to a tree*
Every library has something in it to offend everyone, and in this library that thing is probably me.
I dont know how to break this to my kids, but I think we should see other families.
Me: Do you want some more toast?
3yo: Yes
Me: Pardon?
3yo: Yes
Me: Yes, what?
3yo: ……
Me: What’s the magic word?
3yo: Abracadabra
Fun prank: a YouTube white noise track of ten hours of “Rainfall In a Forest,” but, at the seven-hour point, you can hear two people walk past planning a murder
@Holy_Mowgli @funTweeters Glass repairman: I’m shattered
SUN: [explodes]
ME: are you mad at me
I just said hello and waved to a baby and the baby puked I must not be looking good today
*Secretly duct-tapes boomerang to the back of his car*
Him: *Drives away*
Me: *whispers* “yeah, you’ll be back.”
Saw a unicorn using a phone booth and all I can think is, who is she calling?
Ocean’s 8 makes me feel seen as a woman but also as someone who has tried to organize anything with more than 3 people
VAMPIRE: Aaaarrgghh…DAYLIGHT!
ME (A REDHEAD): *turning to dust* Way ahead of you buddy.
ME: I found a genie today
WIFE: that’s wonderful, I have some great ideas for wishes
ME: *looking at brand new unopened copies of Shrek 1, Shrek 2, and Shrek 3* I can’t wait to hear them
I don’t always sit on a throne of lies, but when I do it’s while searching the cupboards with my child for a snack I know I ate.
ME: Who’s a good boy?
MY DOG: What have you heard?
Bad news: With the stock market in a nosedive, I’ve had to increase my retirement age.
Good news: I’m going to live to 157.
Mary: oh no my period is late
Joseph: oh no how late
Mary: I dunno, what’s the date
Joseph: hmm according to the calendar it’s 9 months BC
Mary: 9 months what now
People on Twitter are crazy. You can be like “I like summer” and there’ll be a comment under it like “wowww really? summer??? how dare you even say that? I expected more from you, you entitled piece of shit”
The bad news is we need to downsize on people named Jeremy, so you’re fired.
WHAT WAS THE GOOD NEWS?
India’s tiger population is up 30%!
Going to change my display name here to “Actually…,” so I won’t have to type it out every time I reply to a tweet.
My kids challenged me to a cartwheel contest.
Long story short, now my chiropractor has a new boat.
I plan on being Batman for Halloween.
And now that I’ve told you all this, I realize I’m actually one shitty Batman.
Cop: do you know why I stopped…
Me: *holding up hand for a high five*
Cop: umm okay, *high fives* do you…
Me: *I slowly interlock our fingers*
Cop: what are you, Umm
Me: *i hold eye contact* hi
Cop: *blushing* hi lol
“What would Jesus do?” is an unfair question. He had superpowers. Your lifeboat is sinking. WWJD? Well, he’d get out and walk to shore. See?