“This is all water! Now that was misleading”
-Pedophile who found the fountain of youth.
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A robot steals your job. It hurts, but that’s how the economy works. Nothing personal. The robot starts texting your wife.
Her: What do you do?
Me: Global prosthetics distribution.
Her: You’re an artificial limb salesman?
Me: I prefer ‘international arms dealer’.
I’m at a Metallica concert, and the woman beside me just used her phone to google “Metallica.”
prepare for carbonated trouble
“It’s time to turn over a new leaf.”
– Adam & Eve on laundry day
Getting bitten by a radioactive spider didn’t quite turn out the way Mittens imagined
Father’s Day tip: Your Dad is busy this weekend.
Now that the coronation is over, perhaps King Charles will respond to my proposal for a noble quest.
I tried to pause the baby monitor when my baby woke up early from a nap instead of the Netflix show I was watching. It didn’t work.
Doc: have you been displaying any symptoms of vampirism?
Me: I’ve been..
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: Coffin.
Doc: get out
I am also baked goods
Americans will literally use anything BUT the metric system.
Horrifying if literal: foot locker
[leading strangers around an art museum] And here we have da Vinci’s Vitruvian man, a beautiful AND scientific representation of how humans were designed to fold “hot dog wise” and not “hamburger wise.” [i quickly usher people along as I see security shuffling towards me]
Why, as a hair, would you even wanna be ingrown. Like why are you doing that???
When you order 20 bananas and end up with 20 *bunches*…
DID YOU KNOW: Petting dogs is a video game, and if u pet a dog perfectly enough, u will unlock the ability to go to a dog’s Birthday Party
The global energy crisis could be solved if only we could harness the power of my wife slamming my car door.
This dude forgot to put tomatoes on my sandwich. Thanks, “artist”. Now I have nothing to pick off.
Forget a alarm clock just give me the smell of bacon and coffee
If you love someone:
1. Set them free
2. Drunk dial them
3. Read too much into their FB posts
4. Make them feel sorry for you
5. Die alone
Divorce Attorney: I can’t just write “irreconcilable differences” on the papers, can you be more specific?
Wife: Well latel-
Guy Who Brews His Own Beer: This situation reminds me of an excellent stout I mad-
Attorney: Ok, got it
If a drunk falls in the woods and no one is there to hear him, why did I go camping?
[Cat outside bathroom door]
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
I’M DYIIIIING
Oh
Hi there
Thanks for letting me-
I’m bored
I want out
LET ME OUT
Me: I found this video of a great team-building exercise.
Boss: This is a Hunger Games DVD.
Me: [nods]
If you can’t be with the one you love, stab the one you’re with.
The fact that the British call math “maths” scares me, since the only thing more frightening than math is plural math.
one of my favorite Halloween memories was trick or treating and a very stoned dude in his 20’s opened the door and was like “oh man I forgot it was today. Let me see if I have anything for you” and then I hear him going through his pantry and he goes “do you like soup”
Judge: you’re guilty of inventing the word ‘liarish’
Me: you can’t be seriousful
hmm conte-me mais