Him: I love you, you smart, gorgeous woman.
Me: *Picks bug off of him and eats it*
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Me: You said everything in here was edible
Willy Wonka: Yes, but-
Me: *takes another bite of Oompa Loompa* Tastes like a circus peanut
Waiter: our chef’s special is a catfish
Me: *flips table* I KNEW IT
I can’t stop laughing at this photo my friend posted of an iguana eating her guacamole at a resort in Cabo. It brings me such joy. And the people looking on with horror/laughter are the chef’s kiss.
Instead of meeting any new people I would much rather un-meet the ones I already know.
SCIENCE TEACHER: What’s the loudest noise in the world?
“Volcanic eruption”
“An explosion”
“An earthquake”ME: Trying to open snacks you don’t want to share
I may not be the prettiest or smartest girl in the room, but I definitely have the most chicken nuggets in my purse.
What happens when you build a house on top of an old cemetery for accordion players?
You have a polkageist.
My kid set up a play office then kicked me out so he could have a meeting, which…I mean…fair enough
I don’t want to intimidate anyone but I did my laundry and took the clothes out of the dryer on the first try.
If by “anything” you mean “anything I can do from my couch,” then yes, I will do anything for you.
If u see me talking to myself don’t say nun to me I’m having a staff meeting
Nobody runs faster than a 4 year old holding your iPhone.
if Barbie’s elbows or knees bend when she puts on clothes i’m out
Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.
Water is the solution to any problem… Do you want to lose weight? Drink more water. Stressful day? Take a warm bath. Tired of annoying people? Drown them.
What’s the name of that movie with that actor in which the guy does that thing with that other thing in that place during that time?
[picking up a pile of things from one room] cleaning is fun! [throwing it into a room I’m in less] and Easy 🙂
Ohh, no thanks. I have seen a baby before
[responding to trash talk during pick up basketball game] my wife has a bad back so I doubt that happened
I had an important meeting with my kids. I’ve been waiting to have this talk for a while. I started the meeting by grabbing the toothpaste. I made eye contact with all of them and then very slowly put the cap back on. It was a shocking demonstration, but I think they got it.
[having sex]
HER: tell me your fantasies
ME: I wish I was a dragon
HER: no, I mean-
ME: but instead of fire I breathe jelly beans
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: I turn everyone into a character from the movie Grease
professor x: tell me more, tell me more
What’s good for the Michigoose is good for the Michigander
you need to be 737 maxxing. you need to have a few screws loose. you need to be dramatically throwing open doors to feel the fresh air outside. you need to be keeping yourself grounded. you need to be lighting yourself on fire occasionally just to feel something.
Maybe my threats will be more effective if, after I mentioned all the people I’ve killed, I don’t say, “in RuneScape.”
We don’t know what’s in the vaccine. Could be anything. Microchips? Sure. Toxins? Maybe. Predatory birds? Definitely. This is all a plot to fill us full of falcons because the CDC is in the pocket of Big Talon.
[someone attempts to speak to me]
ME: *to self, but at a completely audible volume* okay, remember your training
Don’t be jealous but my daughter just told me a 95 minute story about a cough drop.
cat lawyer slowly pushing the opposing lawyer’s evidence off the courtroom table
Tall girls might get modeling contracts but I can still ask for the high school student discount.