who called it a toilet and not an IP address
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#gardening
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up when it’s ready.
Yoda: *dies and fades away*
Luke: Thank God. I was so sick of his backward talking.
Ghost Yoda: Heard that, I did.
Amazon Review: Ghost costume
⭐☆☆☆☆
Do Not RecommendPoorly constructed sheet blew away when industrial fan was turned on. I would have gotten away with it if it weren’t for those meddling kids.
Psychiatrist: You seem much better!
Me: Thanks, the airline lost all my baggage.
Walked in on my 5yo absolutely destroying his punching bag so I’m not even gonna ask him what kind of day he had at school today.
Spent $500 on groceries today. Any minute now, one of my kids will list 10 things I forgot.
“Wow the Good Doctor is nuts.. can’t believe this is on network TV”
One Tree Hill in 2009:
Friends and neighbors have been baking for me but if they really care they should just pitch in to buy me larger sweatpants.
From now on non fiction and fiction books shall be referred to as Fo Reals and Not Fo Reals. Pls pass along,
She said, “Are you even listening to me? This is important!”
I said, “I don’t know, pizza?”And that’s how the fight started
Me: *joins a throw pillow of the month club*
Husband: *cries*
the concept of sister cities was developed so that towns could borrow each other’s dresses
Ads for 2020 would be like, have you ever wondered how it would feel if an entire lifetime was packed into one year? Now you can!
Marriage is a lot of why are you looking at me like that?
“Get better” is a nice thing to write on a card. “Get better soon” feels a little threatening though. What’s the rush
I got some aluminum free deodorant and baybeeee lemme tell you… I NEED all the aluminum
[1868]
*forgets cup of coffee on top of horse*
ME: I had salmon for lunch
WIFE: the L is silent, idiot
ME: haha I knew that, I meant unch
true crime documentaries are like “this serial killer had to have been a SOPHISTICATED GENIUS! after all, how else could they have outwitted a small-town police department in northern minnesota???”
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
Pilots just fly straight into them clouds init, they don’t even know what’s in them. Could be bricks
I’m so disappointed when I help my kid with her homework and she brings it home marked incorrect.
[home schooling, day 1]
Me: I know this is hard.
12:
Me: I know it’s frustrating.
12:
Me: But we’ll get through it.
12:
Me: Now explain this math to me just once more, I’m very close to understanding it.
Kid logic: don’t need napkins when I have shirt sleeves, or mom’s pant leg, or the cat mistakenly wanders by.
I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people’s mouths are full before asking them how the food is.
Friday is Cinco de Mayo. White people haven’t been this excited about tacos since Tuesday
Time zones shouldn’t be based on geography, they should be based on age. For example, you may think it’s only 10:30, but for a 40yo, it’s actually two in the morning.
Daughter just wandered in after being put to bed and I hid the ice cream I was eating like it was a joint.
no matter what the government says no one can stop you from eating the bugs you find in your garden