I know I hate you but if you died suddenly … I mean I’d still hate you but I’d be a little more cheery.
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*returns copy of “how to stop procrastinating” at high school reunion*
Having a dark sense of humor is great, until you make a joke in front the wrong crowd and get looked at like you just killed their cat.
ME: Got any hobbies?
DATE: I’m a big horse fan
ME: You’re thinking of a giraffe
[after recapturing an escaped convict]
sheriff: “congratulations on your absquatulation from prison but its time to go back to the slammer”
convict:
deputy *feels for a pulse*: “sheriff, hes absquatulated!”
sheriff: “we really need separate Word of the Day calendars”
me: omg did you just steal that from the kitchenware department? you could’ve got caught!
him: what can I say, I’m a whisk taker
summer: wait its midnight alredy?? the sun hasn’t even set yet!! lol
winter: HOW. HOW IS IT NOT EVEN 8PM. THE SUN SET LIKE 5 DAYS AGO
20: omg my life is going to be so aweso—
40: wtf just happened
Me: “Breath mint?”
Her: “Sure.”
M: “Don’t mean to offend.”
H: “None taken.”
M: “Great. Good to hear. Care for a push up bra?”
[bar closing time]
Do you wanna come over to my place?
Her (flirtatious af): oh yeah
Ok hold on..
*dials phone*
Mom? Can you pick me up now?
Mugger: Put all your cash in this bag.
Me, caught up in a MLM scheme: What if I told you that instead of money I have the power to be my own boss?
Mugger: Oh wow you really have nothing.
Me: Come and rob me in like four weeks I swear I’ll have so much money
i can’t stop writing holiday rom com synopses so i guess i’ll just continue doing it until my hands fall off
Calling Sony comments”racially insensitive remarks” instead of “racist”? U can put a cherry on a pile of sh*t but it don’t make it a sundae.
Being illiterate and having a girlfriend would be easy. They’d be like “did you get my text?” and you could just be like “I can’t read.”
Opponent: I wish you luck
Me: Tha—
Opponent: But I also wish to suck the marrow from the bones of your defeated corpse.
Me, picks up ping pong paddle: okey dokey
Me: Well kid, someday all this will be yours. *motions to my Twitter account*
4-year-old: Susie’s dad has a boat.
commiting a crime and pretending to be a witness so i can get the police sketch artist to draw my oc for free
Spiders are all like, “I’m gonna build my home right above this dude’s head.”
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: *eats a sandwich brought from home*
SUBWAY MANAGER: hey no outside artwork
Me: I think I’m suffering from auditory hallucinations.
Narrator: There was no narrator.
if she doesn’t reciprocate ur first “i love u”, press ur finger to ur strategically placed bluetooth & say “oh cool u love me too? nice”
Friends with my exes? I’m barely friends with my friends.
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
In case anyone was wondering. I only missed 2 words this week on my 3rd graders practice spelling test.
4th grade will be tough for us. Please say a prayer.
Tom Cruise has never starred in a movie where his character description didn’t include the word “hotshot.”
Me: Girl you must be tired cos you have been running through my mind ALL day!
Her: really?
Me: nah, you do look tired though.
what is joe biden’s plan to make everything bagels less messy to eat
a midwest state really had a “husband calling” competition
my therapist told me to have an image to focus on when i think there is no hope
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
Only 50 more days til we find out who’s our next President! Last time I was nauseous 50 days straight, at least I got a baby out of it!