Watched The Tinder Swindler a few weeks back, now watching Bad Vegan. The most puzzling thing is why do these women just give these men their money? Is this a thing you do if you have money? I would never give a man money. If the cashier at the store is a man I simply do not pay.
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Bro this is the funniest shit I’ve seen in a minute 😭 the SpongeBob cast dubbed this star wars scene
Survivor: The Dryer Edition.
Jeff Probst: The tribe has spoken. Wool sock, it’s time to go.
someone described my girlfriend’s skin as “sun-kissed” recently and now the sun’s about to catch these hands
*gets period*
“So that’s why I’ve been in a mood for the last 24 days.”
Why do people try to trick babies into thinking airplanes are delicious?
SERIAL KILLER: prepare to die
ME: thanks, you too
Considered selling feet and/or leg pics but then I realized I’d have to actually shave and ain’t nobody got time for that
[1st day as a Crime Scene Investigator]
me: *vomits everywhere and passes out
training supervisor: “if thats your reaction to a W-4 form and an orientation packet then this might not be the job for you”
One time a cute guy I liked mooned his friend as a prank but there was a tiny piece of toilet paper in his crack & it haunts me to this day
You know you’re a real a&&**** when you go in for a colonoscopy and come out with a sore throat.
Nothing makes you regret an outfit choice faster than when you see teens looking at you and whispering.
I’ve never Met Gala but I heard she’s weird.
The worst kind of insomnia is snoring induced insomnia. That’s when every time you start snoring your wife shoves you awake…
Show me someone who says they’ve traveled to the four corners of the earth and I will show you someone who’s failed geometry and geography.
shoutout to sookie stackhouse. she resisted eric northman for 3 seasons whereas i would have had my neck exposed, ready to be sucked like a capri sun as soon as he looked my way
this may be difficult to process but the real reason nana had plastic on her furniture was because she was a mob assassin
Telling everyone “great costume” whether or not they’re wearing one.
[During quarantine]
Kidnapper: 25,000 by this Sunday if you want to see your kids again.
Me: how about 40,000 and you keep them til next weekend?
My grasp of English, my journalism degree, and my sanity are all in question since I instructed my kids to put on “long sleeve pants” this morning
Thanks autocorrect. I wanted her to know that I shaved my duck.
Assert dominance at IKEA by walking around wearing a tool belt with every size Allen wrench hanging from it and telling everyone you see to stand back
[First date]
Her: i’m a criminal lawyer, what do you do?
Me: really, well it just so happens that I… (trying to impress her) …am a criminal
I’ve GOT to get a life stenographer. It’d be great to say, “Betty, read back last night so I can see why I put a skillet on my nightstand.”
Thanks Facebook for letting me know Bobby from kindergarten and Bobby’s two hacked accounts all have birthdays today
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
I’m starting to suspect that maybe 2020 was not the reason for my problems.
Me: *shows up to a gala in my pajamas*
Host: That’s not what I meant by evening wear.
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 10 seconds” on YouTube*
*ad starts playing*
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 5 seconds”*
Just ruined my dad’s night by texting pics of a bird he can’t positively ID
NASA engineer: the shuttle is completely automated so sit back and relax
[5 minutes later]
me *wedged into a drive-thru* ok dont be mad