Closed pistachios are further proof there is no god.
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Nice that I’ll hear “Just a little prick” today because I’m giving blood samples and not from some random person replying to my tweets for once.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and I’m like “Get outta here boys! I didn’t get this chubby by sharing my milkshakes!”
Me: I want you to make me a better person
Frankenstein: you barely touch the one you have now
My mom used to make sure we were wearing our seatbelts in the back seat by slamming on the brakes. She was a kind soul.
Therapist: What can you do when your husband rubs you the wrong way?
M: ask him to use his other hand
Therapist: Let me rephrase…
pep talk
One Oscars rule that I have is when you say “TO MY PARENTS UP THERE”, you should have to clarify whether they are dead or in the balcony
They’re going to start pairing TV shows w/medications. “If you’re taking this, this and this… watch this!”
the most bizarre thing about scientology compared to any other religion is that it was founded by a guy named “Ron”
SNL labels their bathrooms comic relief
Reporter 1: see Argentina needs to score here because if not they lose
Reporter 2: so true jon. So true
What’s it like to work in customer service/retail?
Imagine there’s a race of people called customers.
Now imagine you’re a huge racist.
Stranger: Twitter is awful.
Me: It really isn’t most people are nice.
Stranger: But there are bad people…
Me: Sure, I just block them.
Stranger: See…there…you can’t do that in RL.
Me: Yes, you can….watch….(walks away from them).
You call the carnival ride dangerous.
I call it “Natural Selection’s Li’l Helper.”
My neighbour hit the post reversing out of the driveway. He hit the poor man delivering it too.
Never feel like you’re too small to make a difference. After all, a tiny raisin has the ability to RUIN EVERYTHING ITS BAKED IN.
If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?
Today I did a task I have been dreading for about a month, it took 30 minutes and it was fine.
…. I have learned nothing.
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
i’ve decided to start saying “moopy” instead of “movie” just subtly enough that people will silently question it but will never ask. i deserve this.
I’m going to write a great tweet even if it kills me
The wife: write two in case you survive the 1st
This is what happens when an AP style journalist marries an English major and the English major edits the wedding website copy
I am always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank.
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
I’m making all of the random open bags of things in our freezer for dinner. Everyone gets 4 chicken nuggets, 5 tater tots, 6 fries, and an onion ring.
We should have burned social media to the ground when they started helping us reconnect with old friends
Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.
[Don’t let hot barrista know I’m a goose]
“Can I get you a coffee?”
Just a honk chonklate for me
“A what?”
CHOCOLATE, a hot chocolate plz.
jfc, the doctor doing my physical just asked if I was “that twitter guy” so I said “yup, I’m the funny twitter guy,” and he responded “I didn’t say funny.” We haven’t even gotten to the awkward part of this appointment yet 🙁
what