My neighbor just walked by carrying some pots for planting & I said “Looks like you won the pottery lottery!” Now everyone is mad at me.
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Girl: I dumped my last boyfriend cause he always gave short answers. I never knew what he was thinking. That’s so annoying, right?
Me: Word
‘You probably have to pee soon, huh?’
~ The monster under my bed
*gets called abnormal*
*checks for normal abs*
[Text]
18: This Hotel wants me to pay for Wi-Fi?!
Me: You do know someone pays for Wi-Fi at home too, right?
A Quiet Place but it’s just me trying to open a piece of cheese without my dog hearing
Meanwhile in Canada…
Her: When you said you could do magic in bed, this isn’t exactly what I was exp….
Me *holds up the ace of Spades*: Is this your card?
Her: Wow!
(spilling my bag at the airport in an attempt to show off) oh sorry lol these are just my Hot Wheels
William: where have you all been
Kate: omg William there’s a winter forest in the coat closet
Creep yelling from window: “HEY SEXY WHERE YO MAN?”
Me yelling back: “HE DEAD”
Him: “WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM?”
Me: “HE YELLED AT ME”
Me: There is a small tree on fire.
911: Could you describe it?
Me:Picture shrubbery…now picture it engulfed in flames.
CW: Linda! Did you forget the boss is treating us to lunch today?
Me: *mouthful of food*
*blink blink* No I didn’t forget.
my dad can break into almost any car using a frozen chimichanga
Me, first week of school: I packed you a healthy lunch.
Me, one month later: They’re serving mini-corn dogs & pudding, you want school lunch today?
Me when the elevator tries to leave without me
I just got invited to a zoom baby naming ceremony. If I wasn’t a part of the baby making ceremony I don’t want to be a part of naming it.
Why eat a carrot when you can just as easily not eat a carrot?
Being a little bit crazy is like being a little bit pregnant – you can only hide it for so long.
doc: “your dad’s been in a coma for 9 days, we’re running out of ideas”
me: “let me try” [goes to adjust thermostat]
dad: [opens one eye]
My husband: When have I ever steered us wrong?
*Flashback to 2014*
My husband: Trust me, investing a huge chunk of our life savings in RadioShack is going to make us millionaires.
Parenting is filled with wonder. Like wondering why your 4yo raced into the kitchen and quietly grabbed a handful of napkins.
the weirdest thing that happened to me this month was when i got sent a counterfeit pizza hut coupon
Me: This lingerie you bought me is super uncomfortable
BF: That’s a mosquito net I got for our camping trip
If really good-looking people are “eye candy” I guess that puts me somewhere around the “eye broccoli” category.
Why the hell would I use turn signals? I know where we’re going.
“Jesus Christ, Roger… What the hell are you doing with your life?”
Tony Hawk: *does a 360*
Tony Owl: *does a 360 while doing a 180*
Ugh, once again scratched my monocle falling asleep on my pile of gold coins.
How come there’s never a first call for alcohol?
[answers phone in crowded elevator] give me some good news…HOW contagious?