This bottle of vodka was on sale.
So yes, I will party like it’s $19.99.
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i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
Whenever I see an empty pizza box in a neighbor’s garbage can, I get jealous someone had a better night than I did.
My 13 y.o. son told me that when he hits 99 pounds, he wants to eat one pound of nachos on his own so he can be 1% nacho.
my 10 yr plan is to wait till I’m 9 yrs 11 mos in & then absolutely slay
her: did you wrestle in high school?
me: do my emotions count?
Tuna = the chicken of the sea, worms = the noodles of the ground, Penguins = butlers of the south.
me: is this vegan friendly?
waiter: idk dude, he’s your friend
Choose your fighter
Husband: Did you just change from one set of pjs to another?
Me:
H:
Me:
H: …you look great
Tom’s of Maine is a really good deodorant to buy if you don’t mind spending a little extra to smell like you don’t use deodorant.
I don’t get why someone would want the house in a divorce.
“your honor, I’d like to keep the building where my soul was sucked dry.”
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
My 11yo is begging me to let her get the ends of her hair dyed and says she’ll be the best child and do whatever I want if I say yes.
I already made the appointment but I’m gonna enjoy pretending I’m on the fence until then.
8: “You know how Makayla and Abby are our cousins?”
Me: “Yeah”
8: “Did you know that WE’RE also THEIR cousins?!”
Anything can serve briefly as a boat. The key word is *briefly*
earlier this year a random number i don’t recognize started sending me pictures of toads
My half brother moved out from living with his parents, and after a couple days, phones my dad and says, “I wasn’t sure if it was too soon to call.”
My dad, “Son, you moved out. We didn’t break up.”
I waited around all morning for the mailman so I could grab his hand through the mail slot.
Who else is self quarantining alone? I’m this close to naming a volleyball.
Friend: Did you know most people mistake thirst for hunger?
Me: Really? Weird. Hey, are you going to eat that water bottle?
[hospital]
Me: how is he?
Her: he’s in the burn ward
Me: *tearing up* I’m an adult you can say H-E-double hockey sticks
professor x: what’s your power
me: time travel and a full head of hair lol
professor x: get out
[5 seconds later]
professor x: what’s your power
me, wearing a hat: time travel
Just saw the first robin of the year so you know what that means. Batman can’t be far behind.
Monday, if you keep this shit up – I’m taking you out of the will.
I never ran away from home but when I was six I asked everyone else in the house to move out.
I would walk barefoot over hot koalas for you.
You aren’t supposed to strip during Zumba. Apparently.