New birthdays:
•Januartly 34rd
•Marfch 0th
•Dechumpert 4rf
•Septurble 6rd-16nd (lengthy birth)
•Flethfluary 14st (Valentront’s Day!)
•6th
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I occasionally call my son when he’s with me so I can hear what my ringtone is on his phone. Last week I was the theme song from Psycho.
3-year-old: Daddy, I don’t want hair that looks like yours.
Me: What does my hair look like?
3: Like stupid.
She gets her tact from me.
(to the tune of We Will Rock You)
I feed my dog dog food
I’m surprised Cinderella didn’t become a psycho killer because I’ve seen some bitches go batshit crazy when they’ve lost a shoe.
I used to think paramedics were ghost doctors.
After spicing things up in the bedroom, don’t rub your eyes for at least 30 minutes.
Guys, women can spot another woman at 10 paces and tell you if she’s wearing 5″ or 6″ heels. She knows exactly what, 6″+ looks like.
I’m a real gym rat (i go there at night and eat their garbage)
[furniture store]
Wife: We’re putting in a bar.
Salesman: OK
Wife: And…
S: Yes?
W: Go ahead, say it.
Me: WE’RE GONNA NEED A STOOL SAMPLE.
Who the hell named it a ” Crop-Top ” and not a ” T-short “?
My bank statement looks like a 9 yr old stole my debit card & used it to eat lunch at every shitty place he could think of for a month.
You’re a vegetarian who eats fish? I guess that makes sense since bears are basically vegetarians.
Why did the new psychology student eat their textbook?
Because the professor said it was a piece of cake!
😂
TIME TRAVELLER: No
WAITER: You guys ok? Do you need anything?
Ned Stark is just a gay Boromir.
911 – 911 what’s your emergency
Me – I am Australian and I watch too much American TV
911 – ….
Me – I don’t know our emergency number
They say all dogs eventually look like their owners……..that’s unfortunate for your dog
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
Startled by the sound of my own washing machine, yet convinced I’d be a badass in any apocalypse.
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
this… may be the greatest story ever told
a nightmare where I’m performing disney on ice – but I don’t know how to do it, so I panic and just fireman-carry my partner around the arena for the entire seven and a half minute song, serenaded by the boos of furious children
Spilling a full alcoholic drink you’ve already paid for is the grownup version of loosing a balloon.
#AmazingFacts #Tuesday #RubbishJokes
17 yo didn’t do chores last night. I delete all songs on iPod and replace them with the theme song to Scooby Doo. Enjoy the bus to school.
My eye doctor is alarmingly young and when he said he thought I had a chalazion or a hordoleum I thought he might be referencing Pokémon
ME: I thought only old people got that
DOCTOR:
ME:
DOCTOR:
ME: Oh…
Me: Anything you can do I can do better, I CAN DO ANYTHING BETTER THAN YOU!
Mom: Why are you yelling at the dog?
The best way to run into that hot person you’ve been dying to talk to is to leave the house looking the worst you possibly can.
CW: I think you’re two-faced
Me: Why don’t you say that to my face
CW: I just did!
Me: No. My other face.