Some people say I hang out with the wrong crowd. They’re always like “Hey man we’re over here you don’t even know those people.”
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If you wanna be my lover
– I’m listening
You gotta get with my friends
– ….I’m listening
Daddy, where do oranges come from?
Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other…
It was 80s day at my 8yo’s school so I told him to walk to school and be home before dark.
Do you think Sarah Sanders’ husband calls her “the colonel” when they eat fried chicken in bed?
[at a job fair]
Me: Where’s the ferris wheel?
Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
[calculating calories]
Breakfast: 300
Lunch: 500
Dinner: 700
Snacking while preparing dinner: 8,374
Therapist: What’s the problem?
Wife: He makes friends with the strangest things
Me [petting a bee]: You’re not strange are you Alan
Sometimes you look at an ex and think maybe they’re not so bad. And then they start to talk and remind you why you hate them.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who asked for oatmeal and you have the audacity to give them oatmeal.
Was trying to get shots of my new hair and you can see exactly the moment I spotted the enormous daddy long-legs on the wall
Oh, you pronounce pecan like “puh kahn”? I always pronounced it “pee can”. Differences in dialects can be so fascinating, right? Well, anywho, that’s what your husband choked on.
I say make the bed the second you get out of it. My sister says let the sheets cool first. We each suspect the other of instability.
Kids be like “Hey can you decorate outside my room for my birthday tomorrow like you did last year? But make it a surprise.”
I used to tell a joke about Lot’s wife. Looking back, it wasn’t a great idea.
Man: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: And, for your side?
M: Oh, no, not tonight. This is my wife with me.
ACTORS’ TIP: can’t afford headshots? run a red light and use the photo they mail you. as a bonus you can add “driving stunts” to your resume
[mall food court]
Me: *stomach rumbling* OMG not now
Brain: Too bad you hate using public washrooms
My White Undies: Sweet baby jesus no
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Breaking news from My dog!! there ar Small animals outside sometimes, but especially Right Now.
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
I shaved my legs for this, which means this doctor appointment is a date now.
dora: jeez we’re really lost
boots: dora i’m freezing
backpack: we need a fire
the map: what should we use to start it?
dora:
boots:
backpack:
the map: oh no
dora: *holding a lighter* this IS all your fault
… and be generous with the lollipops
– me holding up a bank
“Doesn’t it feel good to Payless?” no, i want to be rich & shop at good stores
#StillHurts
Get married so when you pour your heart out, someone is always there to say, ‘what?’