When I said “I’m really good in bed” I was referring to sleeping. Sorry for the misunderstanding, you can pull your pants up now.
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Guys that squirrel is on my patio in the dark dragging his little hand across his throat shit what do I do
I told my son if he wants to have company over he needs to clean the house. Either way, big W for me.
Make group hugs awkward by taking off your pants.
M: so I’ve been thinking
*all of the light bulbs in the house shatter*
Airport Security: Please remove your shoes
Man: Don’t be ridiculous, I’m no terrorist
AS: Sir, do you want to use the bouncy castle or not?
I keep waiting for my Cadbury Creme Eggs to hatch into Cadbury Creme Chickens, but no luck so far. And sitting on them certainly didn’t help
I’m watching my 4 year old son give my 1 year old a hammer. He is so irresponsible.
My husband thinks The Bachelor show is fake, they’re all there to be actors, and that it’s total bullshit.
Then he turned to wrestling.
[Testing Cat-Human Translator]
Scientist: Cat, what is your name?
Cat: I AM KANG THE DESTROYER
Owner: It’s not working. His name is Socks.
coworker: the big guy upstairs wants to see you.
me: God?
coworker: no. the boss. the big cheese.
me: (nods) Cheesus.
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
The most realistic thing about Stranger Things is how much time kids in the 80s spent without parental supervision.
ME: How do I tell Billy his grampa died?
WIFE: Just say he went up to the sky…{later}
ME: Your grampa’s on the International Space Station
me: [making impt life decision] what should I do
wife: just listen to your gut
me: ok
gut: let’s get nachos
me: BYE WE’RE GOING OUT FOR NACHOS
wife: wtf just happened
Gods work.
Most people think that being in your 50s is now classed as the new 30s.
Take my word for It, the police speed cameras think differently
so mom just interrupted my Zoom standup set to ask me to carry her martini to her bedroom because it was too heavy.
Being kidnapped is so much harder on the back after 40, let me tell you
Took my little niece to the zoo. So many questions. “What’s that? Why’s its neck so long? How long does it live?”
I think she got fed up answering in the end.
911 what’s your emergency?
I FARTED ON THE FIRST DATE.
Ma’am we don’t–
IT SOUNDED LIKE A BALLOON ANIMAL ASKING A QUESTION
My kid: I’M NOT GOING TO BED!
Prison guard: *pinches bridge of nose* Again, this is not up to you.
I once got a bonus onion ring in my fries at a restaurant that didn’t serve onion rings if you’re wondering who’s top shelf around here
Dm: Hi
Me: but have you even accepted Jesus as your Lord and savior?
if you eat your burrito over a tortilla, anything that falls out will simply start building your next burrito
If you’re getting dirty looks because your baby is crying loudly on a plane, start crying even louder and everyone will avoid eye contact
Welcome to your forties, you’re now wondering why younger people are so dumb
Origami = folding paper
Jiu Jitsu = folding clothes (while people are still in them)#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes #jiujitsu
Overweight people know they’re overweight, tall people know they’re tall, why is it that stupid people don’t know what they are?
I didn’t spend 8 years designing this hotel so I could listen to a bunch of touristy complaints about the small cameras inside the toilets.