If you come to my house and see a coffee cup upside down on the floor, just be my hero and put the spider outside please.
You Might Also Like
People who bend down to pick up a thread instead of running over it with the vacuum 37 times, what’s it like to exercise?
I’m keeping my wedding small. Probably won’t have a bride.
You legally aren’t married until someone says, “haha but seriously” in their wedding speech.
One man. One tuba. A whole public library full of unsuspecting people. And no law enforcement anywhere in sight.
Just read about something called “runner’s diarrhea” so no way am I ever running and taking that chance.
Hey…that’s not the wallet inspector
I know we will never have another revolution in this country because every Chinese food place in my town has at least one review that says “this is the fifth time I ordered from this place and every time it was terrible”
The 3 types of Christmas movies:
1. Movies about Santa.
2.People being changed by the Christmas spirit.
3. Die Hard
I stepped in a tiny pothole full of water that went up to me knee in front of two really cute construction workers and then waved and said thank you. Why am I like this
Not sure, but I think I just got to 3rd base with my toothbrush.
Aaaa…CHOO!
So my neighbor is baking apple pie, and I’m just sitting here waiting for her to put it on the windowsill
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
Me: preferably over some type of heat source
Given the amount of clowns around here you’d think it would be more entertaining
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
I called in dinner at a restaurant and Husband went to pick it up. These texts ensued:
H, “What name did you put it under?”
Me, “Yours.”
H, “Not a fake name?”
M, “Why would I do that?”
H, “Because your weird like that.”
M, “You’re.”
H, “It’s under you’re?”
Me, “Yes.”
I got a pocket got a pocket full of sunshine
Sunshine: Please let me go. I have children.
Virgo: Sure you can slake your thirst on the blood of your enemies but be careful, their tears have all the electrolytes.
I think my garbage man is flirting with me; he keeps putting his hands around my waste.
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s this
Son: it’s our house
Me: have you ever actually looked at our house
Me – When did we get a porch light?
Wife – OK, drink time is over.
Me – Why?
Wife – That’s the moon.
Good thing Brazil won…otherwise I’m pretty sure they would’ve just cancelled the rest of the World Cup.
Dentist: when was the last time you flossed?
Me: look, I only need you so they can identify my body should shit go down
I’m not doubting that you’re 1/8th Pond People, but this is a research paper. You can’t cite “BOG WISDOM”
The part of my boyfriend is now being played by what appears to be a memory of a time he said brb
Valentine’s Day is all about punching people in the heart.
Whoa, just saw two FedEx guys pass each other without waving. Wonder what’s going on there.
Me: I just watched Airplane and need to ask you something
Brother: What is it?
Me: It’s a comedy movie from 1980, but that’s not important right now
Roadside Assistance: how can i help you
Englishman: *remembers he’s in America* i have an apartment tire
Who wants an omelet?
(3 minutes later)
Who wants scrambled?