*suddenly pulls away from kissing* BUT WHERE DOES THE STORK GET THE BABY FROM?!?
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I wore pink pants to work today and multiple people thought I was not wearing pants at first glance. So what I’m saying is…I am so classy that several people considered that I may have been pantsless. At work.
-My cat will ONLY drink from a slightly running faucet and she rubs her gums along the side of it.That’s the faucet I brush my teeth from. So basically I’ve made out with my cat.
Therapist: [Puts her pen down. Rubs the bridge of her nose]
Fact: you spend an average of 1.3 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the damn paprika
If you don’t kiss the one ring, Fredo will throw you in the fires on top of Old Smokey
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
All I’m saying is when I’m drunk in the backyard I still put my shirt on just like everyone else, one leg at a time…
“My great-grandma went to jail for making moonshine” was probably not the family history topic my son’s teacher expected.
I can’t lose this last 20 pounds so I’m just telling everyone that I’m pregnant now.
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
i am about to burn down everything cryptocurrency related
I work in the entertainment industry, so the only way I could lie more is if I worked in politics.
Me: I’m so bored.
Dog: Have you considered running from window to window and barking at stuff outside?
Me: That’s the dumbest ide- OHMIGOD! *runs to window* The FedEx truck! *runs to other window* It might be my Amazon delivery! *runs to front door* IT’S TURNING UP OUR STREET!
Government: “you need to post salary ranges on all of your job openings”
Companies: “okay, the typical salary range for this role is usually between $17,000 and $2,500,000 per year”
I drive an extra five miles on my way home from work so I can access my mailbox from the drivers side.
They called me hysterical, and I laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed
Friends don’t let friends drive drunk but I don’t want them staying at my house
And that’s why Uber was created
Beef jerky is great for when you want a healthy, hearty snack and you hate twenty dollars
Asking my dentist a question but sticking my fingers in his mouth before he replies
Dentist: No cavities, but looks like you’ve done some excessive grinding at night-
Me: *blushes* Well, my boyfriend is quite sex-
Dentist: Uh, of your teeth.
It’s so reassuring when your nephew asks for your birth year and then replies with woah, did you go to war?
I know repetitive noises irritate people so I’m surprised there weren’t more rage-induced murders back when typewriters were being used
I was playing COD when me and this kid started arguing… then this kid started giggling, and said Wendy’s. Without thinking I said “Wendy’s?” I got hit with the loudest “Wendy’s balls hit your forehead bitch” Ive never left a lobby so fast in my life.
A Person Who Cares has informed me there’s a helium shortage, which I knew.
She said “it’s not just for balloons,” which I also knew.
She asked me if could even name three other uses for helium, which I did.
It was a tough day for A Person Who Cares.
HER: If you could have any pet—
ME: Panda.
HER: Wow. Okay, what would you name—
ME: Pandrew.
[taking immortality pills]
wife: but wont we get bored of eternal life?
me: dont worry, we’ll have each other..
*we swallow the pills*
me: i can still see it in your hand
I put the Nutella in the freezer so I don’t eat it and man, what a chilled treat of a backfire that was.
Wife: cuddle?
Me: ok
Wife: I mean with me
Me: *with my teddy bear* right
I saw a sign that said FREE PUPPIES. I don’t know what crime they’re accused of, but I sure hope they get a fair trial.
microdosing therapy by detailing all my problems when the applebee’s waiter asks “how we doin’ tonight?”
The charcuterie board is Lazy Susan’s even lazier
cousin.