H: Let’s have dinner on the deck tonight.
Every mosquito in a 17 mile radius: OKAY!
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Your sister wives’ moms are technically mother-in-against-the-laws
my sister-in-law: I feel bad that dogs hafta poop outside in the rain.
my 9yo: it’s actually kinda fun you should try it.
Hot sauce has plenty of vitamin C! *slaps orange out of hand
Man: dog is my best friend
Dog: man is aight I guess
You know, if you keep a pie in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face.
Tell people the nice things you noticed about them, you uncooked noodle
I have the confidence of a bald headed eagle, and the shy modesty of his distant relative the combover falcon.
What idiot called it a driver’s test and not a Game of Cones?
Me: Alexa, will you be my Valentine?
Alexa, robotically: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Thank god attorneys let us know they’re attorneys “at law” so we don’t assume they’re attorneys at garlic bread or something.
Look, Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom.
“what about that shadowy place? by 2pm when the sun is west of its apex, it will be illuminated. is that our kingdom but only in the afternoon? what about night? what about clouds”
Simba.. who told you about science
Son’s journal entry
💯 sweet 💯 inaccurate on all counts
The more we travel into the mountains the more little critters I see. A rabbit will run across the road, then a squirrel, then a crab. What?
Stop screaming at me like you’re the only one who realizes our kitchen is on fire. The arrogance.
We all started out as eggs here.
Apparently, some just end up cracking.
“We’re still looking for a side project”
Tornado: *raises hand* we could flip houses
“We’ve been over this, it’s not what you think it is”
i love that kanye gets into very specific beefs with ppl i have to google but he’s nice enough to say both their first & last name
Date: “You’re very tall! Do you play basketball?”
Me: “You’re very fat. Are you a sumo wrestler?”
My birthstone is a marshmallow.
Eww this cheese is disgusting!
*keeps eating it
I just saw a woman outside sitting alone on a bench and staring at nothing and it made me so sad. I wonder what happened to her phone?
Fool me once shame on you fool me 27 times you’re a piece of lint on the floor disguised as a bug
I just realized my slack status for the last hour has said “hot dog” because I was searching for the hot dog emoji so I could note that I was at lunch but I just typed “hot dog” as my status and then it just gave me that lil 💬 guy as the emoji. Everyone’s slackin me “hot dog”
They say it takes 10,000 hours to become an expert at something. Please. You wanna know expertise? I’ve spent over 300,000 hrs being a moron
body: you’re dehydrated
me: I literally just drank a glass
narrator: that was 3 days ago
Absolutely NO fruit in this house again until winter! Am I clear?
~me losing the war against gnats
I don’t like who I become when an online form expires in the middle of me filling it out.
There are usually two types of merchants.
A bum gets on a bus and walks past a nun. The nun says “youre going to hell”. The bum yells “Damn, Im on the wrong bus” ! 😀