Forget carrying me to bed; carry me to the end of the workweek. Then we can talk
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My mom used to make sure we were wearing our seatbelts in the back seat by slamming on the brakes. She was a kind soul.
Me: Can I dip my breadstick in your Alfredo sauce?
Him: Usually it’s me asking you that.
13YO: SHUT UP. STOP IT RIGHT NOW!
Shout out to authentic Indian restaurants that encourage eating using only the hands.
They don’t give a fork.
Alright. It’s Sunday. Another Breaking Bad. Or if you don’t watch the show, an hour of confusing tweets.
Just now realizing my Girl Scout cookie purchase was 370 boxes too low
Don’t talk to me, I’m sober.
It was the Bleh of Times,
It was the Meh of Times…
I’m sorry, you’ll have to repeat that. I’m not fluent in nonsense.
Welcome to HouseHunters. Brenda sells keychains on Etsy and Keith shoots birds at the airport.
They have a budget of $430,000…
The story of the Titanic speaks to me because I once tripped over a bag of ice at a party & then killed over 1,500 people.
[holds up egg]
This is your brain[cracks egg into frying pan]
This is your brain if it was some scrambled eggs[adds pepper]
Needed pepper[eats egg]
Mmm brains
8 is addicted to the iPad and he asked where it was at tonight and I said it’s in my car in the garage. He said ok and then I said hopefully the dead woman that lives in the garage won’t get him. Now we’re about to find out how much he wants it.
I hate cars with no Tint get me outta this water bottle 😡😡
Piñatas are a great way to teach kids about murdering animals for food.
Did you know that your iPad has a built in bathroom scale app? Go ahead, try it.
Mini tater tots cause sometimes a full sized tot is just too much
I’m gonna get full size candy bars and hand them out to just one member of each group on Halloween to create division amongst the children
We don’t talk enough about Nicholson’s competent axe technique in The Shining
WHERE WAS OBAMA DURING THE SAN FRANCISCO EARTHQUAKE OF 1906???
My 5yo told me he’s carrying coins in his pocket in case he runs into any guys he has to pay, and now I have questions
Me: I had a bad upbringing & now I’m worried I’ll be a terrible father
Therapist: how many kids do you have?
Me: like 3 I think
I bet most people who wear Adidas shirts have never even really listened to their music.
*i maintain solid eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me for eating on the job, as i slowly pull out a chalupa from my coat pocket & begin eating it*
That’s not fat. It’s bonus content.
I heard you should get a dog that likes to do the things you like to do, so which dogs like eating nachos?
{football huddle}
hey are you guys mad at me?
While the Americans are in a food coma, we should switch Twitter and Facebook displays around. Give their hearts a jumpstart.
I want to live in a world where the plural of moose is mooses.
You want to sext?
*blushes*
Ok, but I’m not very good at it.*frantically types*
AS I WALK THROUGH THE VALLEY OF THE SHADOW OF DEATH…