Just when you think you’re raising a normal child, one day you look at your 10 y/o and she’s biting into the middle of the taco first.
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Maybe you owe the rhythm some money and that’s why it’s trying to get you.
WE DON’T KNOW!
“You can’t bring road kill on the plane.”
“It’s my carrion.”
Who called the feminine product brand “Always” instead of “Periodically”?
good work, detective
Guy I’m hooking up with: stop telling your friends about us
Me to my friends: anyway then he referred to us as “us”
If I ever get kidnapped, my plan is to just talk non-stop about Lost until they see that I’m very annoying, and they return me to safety.
[on a date]
him: I just want someone who isn’t obsessed with their phone
me: *slowly slides the 20 ft charger I was about to plug into the restaurant wall back into my purse*
Van Gone
Dear Snapchat, I don’t care what I look like as a strawberry, just give me a filter that makes me look like I showered.
My doctor said I can get back to my college weight if I simply go for a brisk three hundred mile walk each morning.
*email notification*
“Ooh, who’s this from?”
– Me reading an email I sent to myself literally 7 seconds ago to remind me to do something.
the 3 types of Beach Boys songs are “look, a pretty lady!” “boats are cool” and “I will die alone”
Look I wanna be friendly, but you have to introduce yourself to me 3-5 times in the wild
In high school I was best known as “Hey what’s your friends name?”
kanye west: beyoncé is the best there is & she’s one of the few true artists of our generation
me:
kanye:
me: how did u get in my room again
My gf thought it was so cute when she found out I owned a pair of tap shoes
Until I got drunk, and put them on
“I chose you yesterday, I choose you today, and I will choose you tomorrow.”
– Me, to my coffee
FRIEND: where do you work
ME: I can’t tell you
FRIEND: really? like it’s top secret?
ME [unemployed]: correct
*in an interview*
Me: Tell me a time when you really struggled in your previous job.
Applicant: 5-7PM po.
Me:
Applicant: 8PM.
Me:
Me, walking out of a store: *wow all these dudes are staring at ME? A middle aged mom? Ok. Yeah. Sure. I mean I guess I’m still hot maybe, ok yeah good for me*
Me, an hour later: *ok so I tucked my dress into my underwear a few hours ago I see that now NEVERTHELESS*
It’s been a horrible day. This morning my ex got ran over by a fed ex truck. Then I lost my job at fed ex.
I refuse to stay at a Holiday Inn until they publicly specify what holiday they are referring to.
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
I only drink Smart Water now.
I think it’s really helping my…
my head thinking thingie.
Oh, you pronounce pecan like “puh kahn”? I always pronounced it “pee can”. Differences in dialects can be so fascinating, right? Well, anywho, that’s what your husband choked on.
The aliens can learn about the human body the same way I did. Playing Operation.
which bird do you think most deserves to be punched in the face and why is it a goose
me: [orders for my date like a gentleman]
waiter: five sides of mashed potatoes?
Seize the day! by its legs and lock it in chains. Hold a mock trial, find the day guilty. Behead the day. Bury the day in a nameless grave.
If white guys are day drinking, it’s inevitable that they’re going to start wrestling at some point later that night.