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You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
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The door to door bible people just skipped my house! See, all it takes is trying to kiss the guy and he wont be back (until 3am)
Baby Timberlake: ACHOO!
*Both Timberlake parents reach for a tissue*
Justin: OMG we are so…
Jessica: DON’T say it.
Justin: …N*Sync
Me: At least I’ve lost 5 lbs over the past week because of my depression
Therapist: Great, but happiness is our focus, not your weight loss, and you may gain it back once you achieve the feeli-
Me: OH MY GOD PEGGY CAN YOU JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come these firefighters are rescuing me from the top of this tree?
[phone rings in 1984]
“Eric get the phone”
Hello?
“Tell em I’m not home.”
She’s not home.
“Ask who it is.”
My mom wants to know who this is.
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
#WhatMostWomenWant A man with a vibrating penis.
Woo! Let’s get this weekend started!
*Starts doing laundry*
“Sorry, are you…?”
“Oh… no! No, I’m not, sorry…”
“Ah! That’s ok, haha, thanks, sorry”
“Sorry”Transcript of a Brit asking another Brit if they’re in the queue
Where does the Easter Bunny lay his eggs?!
In the grass..
So WHAT DO WE SMOKE TO CELEBRATE?!
[all the children]
Grass??
Yessssss.
Oh really, Carol? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take you to mind your own business
Forcibly throwing positive energy your way out of spite.
I made the mistake of telling my kids “effort is all that matters” and now they tell me that every time I cook
Oranges got their name from their orange juice-like flavor and orange juice-like color.
The opposite of Mariachi is Divorciachi
I’m too high watching Secret Agent Cody Banks and my friends didn’t take an edible so I have to act like I’m not high it’s almost like I am also Secret Agent Cody Banks rn
At some point the blessing in disguise is going to take off the disguise, right?
Therapist: So what’s the problem?
Wife: He thinks he’s a flamingo.
Me: That’s it! I’m putting my foot down.
*lowers foot that was raised*
I’m your girl in the apocalypse till there’s something that needs to be opened because I have no muscles in my hands 😭😭😭😭
*signing divorce papers*
Client, “Thank God that’s over.”
Me, “Yes, divorce is stressful.”
Client, “No. The process was fine. I’m just glad the marriage is over.”
Me, “I’m glad you aren’t crying. Here’s your bill.”
Client *bursts into tears*
A shampoo bottle upside-down in the shower is basically your low-fluid indicator light.
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a pharmacist
Me: so farm assist like milking cows
Date: no like drugs
Me: oh
Date:
Me: how do u milk drugs
Did you know if you weigh yourself, then take a dump, then weigh the dump & weigh yourself again, you’ll be banned from Walgreens for life?
Dressing up as the grim reaper while at work in the ER is not amusing says HR. So uptight.
I just owned you for three seconds. Possibly five if you’re a slow reader. Up to ten if you read this again.
Q: What’s worse than finding a horse’s head on your pillow? A: Realising the horse is alive and well and how much did I drink last night?!
My husband loves to role play Sexy Star Wars in bed.
Maybe one day I’ll get to wear the golden bikini.
“Hey! Guess what just popped in my head?!?” — My dying words if I had an aneurysm
Probably one of the hardest things for Pinocchio to pull off was complimenting his friend’s experimental theater piece.
Based on my calculations, if I do one load of laundry per day, I’ll finally catch up the week after we join the nudist colony.