Me: Got my finger stuck in this beer bottle.
Wife: How?!
M: Just help me.
W: Have you tried butter?
M: It’s delicious. Now will you help me?
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My kids lost a Barbie shoe.
I dug in the trash and found one.
It was from a set they didn’t know was missing
Now I’m looking for 2 shoes.
Spider: Why don’t you like us? Most us are harmless and we kill all the bugs in your house? We just want to help
Humans: EW EW EW EW OMG
COP: Describe the robber to our sketch artist
ME: He had one eye higher than the other and his lips on his forehead
PICASSO: I got this
Best way to ensure social distancing is to carry a clipboard everywhere. You’re welcome.
i swear to god if the house of commons does not stop fighting i will turn this car around
A woman drives into a bar.
Men should feel comfortable with weeping openly.
Especially in front of a vending machine where the Reece’s slot is empty
If sex was my religion, I’d be an athiest.
God: you can go on land and water.
Turtle: nice, but what’s the shell on my back for?
God: that’s where you live.
Turtle: oh my gosh.
God: what?
Turtle: I have a house boat!
I wish I lived in the 20s so I could wear hats, smoke cigarettes and say stuff like, “Hey big cheese, this giggle water is the cat’s meow.”
Today, I saw a sign outside a dental office that said “We do our business in your mouth” and I haven’t stopped laughing.
I have a joke about trickle down economics.
99% of you won’t ever get it.
My kid asked how the Easter bunny gets inside the house and I’m very uncomfortable with the amount of lying this parenting gig requires.
I accidentally bought organic milk instead of regular and now my family is so broke we are forced to live in a shack and make clothes out of recycled hair.
*stubs toe
*puts $100 in the swear jar
I love my kids and wouldn’t trade them for anything…
[both kids wake up sneezing]
…more than a giant bottle of hand sanitizer right about now.
God: Noah, I’d like to talk to you about the animals you have on the Ark
Noah: what’s wrong?
God: are you sure they aren’t all just dogs wearing different animal costumes
Noah: *with a dog sized elephant humping his leg* hahaha that’s crazy
cinderella had an entire animal army and a magic grandma, and all she did with that was go to party to meet a man. in the history of misses wow that’s the biggest one
feeling dizzy
highly recommended, many stars
“Son, you suck.”
-Dracula, teaching his children basic survival tactics
who wants to go expliring
yeah i have a drinking problem. it’s called dehydration
Bathroom stall doors should have peepholes so you don’t have to awkwardly knock if someone is in there
Ended a date early one time so I could come home and eat my hawaiian bbq leftovers before anyone else got to it
People who talk to themselves are more intelligent then those who don’t, or at least that’s what I like to tell myself.
Ladies, never trust a dude with a fancy mustache. They’re just a top hat and a cape away from tying you to the train tracks or the conveyor belt of a giant lumber mill saw.
Who else is self quarantining alone? I’m this close to naming a volleyball.
Some apples don’t fall far from the tree, BUT other apples catch a good roll and keep rolling…and rolling…and rolling..
Gonna teach a bunch of old white guys the word “bae” so teens stop thinking it’s cool and it goes away forever.
[party]
friend: that piñata you picked out looks so lifelike
piñata: *struggles against ropes*