Not to victim blame but if cat no want be held like baby then why baby sized
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(Writing in food journal)
me: for lunch I had sa………
trainer: (interrupting) salad. awesome.
me: sake.
How to resolve a complaint from neighbours
Not today, Satan.
Wait, what kind of cookies are those?
Just a few more pieces of cake and I will be the world’s most sarcastic pillow.
Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I’m hoping that she’s having an affair.
I’m sorry but I strongly disagree
“What’s that?”
“It’s a therapy cat.”
“It looks like a chihuahua.”
“That’s why the therapy.”
My husband thought that it was funny to add his name to the bottom of my to-do list, but the joke’s on him because I’m only doing 1 chore a day in the order that I wrote them and he’s number 26.
Saw pine nuts at the store. I thought about getting some so I could make pesto. But I don’t believe that lie about myself
While eating as a guest at other people’s homes, I’m thinking their dogs are genetically obligated
to-convince you they’ve never, ever been fed.
Ya know when you buy a bag of of salad and it gets all brown and crusty…. cookies don’t do that
[reading an e-book]
ME: Nice.[reading an eeeEeeeeEeeeee-book]
DOLPHIN: Nice.
If everything happens for a reason, explain Windows update.
(t.v.)“If you come face to face with a bear in the wild, you want to make yourself look as big as possible…”
me(eating a 1/2 gallon of ice cream): ok
My kid just asked me to help with her art project and I said “aw, why did you choose me?” and she said “because you suck at math”
The 5 second rule doesn’t apply when you drop the last m&m in the bag. If it takes an hour to find it, so be it.
You scream, we all scream, I apologize for entering the womens bathroom.
I’ve been ill with night terrors, nausea, dizziness, hunger pains, cry fits, and a stutter. According to Web MD, I have a date tonight.
one taught me love
one taught me patience
and one taught me pain
Last night a burglar broke into my house but I quickly popped open a bag of potato chips & hid in all that free space.
I just saw a woman on here that had looking for a faithful man in her bio. Looks like you’ve come to the right place
Straight people are cancelled
Shred some cheese for me? Thanks, you’re the gratist
this is one of the best threads in twitter history
Captain hook: hi do you have any quite big gloves? maybe a bit piratey, nothing weird
sales assistant: oh not you again
“I smell like candy,” I mouthed to the hot guy in traffic that caught me smelling my shirt.
do horses think humans are hats
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u r not responding