$4 #usedbooks
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Me: By the old gods and the new…may no man ever remove this crown.
Dentist: You can rinse now.
I take a prop microphone wherever I go. If a reporter sticks a mic in my face during a tragedy, I can pull out my own and return the favor.
excited for my first day at at&t as a network engineer supporting national infrastructure. just unplugged a few things in the server room for my space heater. it’s cold in here. should be fine though
Do men in Antarctica wake~up with morning popsicle???
i always feel slightly dishonest ticking the “i’m not a robot” box because how do i know, how does anyone know for certain
Mispronouncing words is kind of my forty
BREAKING: Hobbit director Peter Jackson’s next huge undertaking to be 3-part movie series of The Cheesecake Factory menu.
I’m slytherin because everyone knows women like a bad boy
I’m kidding, I’ve never even read lord of the rings
me, after making no effort to address a complaint: how about now
My favorite part of a date is the sweet, seedy flesh. Wait, sorry, that’s my favorite part of a fig, I always get figs and dates mixed up.
the CDC reading all the CDC tweets tomorrow
My toxic trait is that if you see me naked, that girl from the ring murders you in 7 days
If we only could have known that nap time in Kindergarten was the best life/work balance we would ever achieve.
My daughter is playing “Away in a Manger” on the recorder if anyone wanna come over.
Me: just running to the store, who cares what I’m wearing
Also me: runs into everybody I know
[Ferrari dealership]
ME: How much for this red one?
SALESMAN: Oh, that’ll cost you a pretty penny
ME: *holding out penny wearing a small wig and lipstick*
SALESMAN: VA-VA-VA-VOOM!
[God inventing pain]
God: This is how humans will know they need to heal physically.
Angel: But how will they know if they need emotional healing?
God [inventing Linkin Park]: worry not
[job interview]
“any public speaking experience?”
not since the valedictorian speech in high school
“very impressive”
I yelled ‘YOU SUCK’
Prevent future fights among your children by not owning any nice things.
I’m not judging you, I’m just trying to guess what medications you’re on.
We reach out to meet each other half way, filling the vast void between us. We yearn to become as one.” – A poem by my eyebrows
If my name was Simon I would always talk in the third person when telling someone to do something.
Just tried to parallel park. 5 people are injured, 3 critical, 6 missing. The casualties continue to mount
A local business in my town has an open carry discount. As in, you show them a gun to save money. Doesn’t that discount apply everywhere?
Alien: We come in peace
Human: Aw man, we hate that
*bird forgets to set alarm clock*
*worm has pretty laid back morning*
My wife yelled out in the hallway, there’s a severe thunderstorm warning now …. I could barely hear her way back in this closet with my cat.
I can never remember. Is it stalactite or stalagmite that’s the bad one?
Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?
FIREMAN: this blaze is out of control
ME: sometimes you gotta fight fire with fire
F: what? No
M: *already brandishing a flamethrower*