my ex has had a really hard time moving on. from what i can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)
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I was always taught that every girl’s dream was to marry a Prince but according to my girlfriend it’s actually owning a 1600 watt ionic diffusion Dyson hairdryer.
waiter: bread for the table?
me: ok fair swap (walks away with basket of bread)
HEY GRAPEFRUIT, know what else is a grape AND a fruit? GRAPES. yeah. so get your own name you citrus idiot
When did they decide that every razor had to look like a piece that fell off a Transformer?
“Go ahead, caller….”
“Mom, you have to stop answering your phone that way.”
Thank you lady with the screaming kid I almost forgot to pick up more condoms.
Gonna flirt with an electrician by calling them electrocute
dumbshit neighbor: is that your dog running around your backyard?
me: no, that’s a fence
I have gotten outta bed 365 days a year for 37 years. That is 13,505 sit-ups.
And not ONE ab to show for it.
My kids are scream-fighting because one pretend-ate all of the toy food, in case you wanted to know why some parents drink.
IKEA assembly instructions should come with a glossary of Swedish swear words.
oh yeah? Well caterpillars also stay in bed for a month at a time and look how they turn out
The retirement age needs to be lowered to 50. I’ve had enough!
The designer of the expanding universe, deviser of quantum theory and relativity – he’s really interested in who you sleep with. Sinner.
Me: It’s time to take a bath.
6: Ugh, I took one a few days ago!
Me: Yeah, you gotta keep taking those.
6: For my whole life?
Me: Yes
6: What!? Uggggghhhhh
[creation]
GOD: Gather round creatures & I’ll tell you what you’ll eat
ANTEATER: I’m SO excited!
DUNG BEETLE: I got a bad feeling about this
my friend got banned from this bar so she waited like a year and started going back everyday like nothing happened and the other day the bar tender looked at her and was like “you look so much like this crazy girl we had to ban a while back”
Scooby-Doo led me to believe that if I were ever really scared, I should run super-fast in place.
100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you’re within five miles of anything right now, move.
a public service announcement
Everyone compliments the jumpsuit when you wear it out—but when you get to the bathroom it’s just you and your choices
“How would you describe the woman who attacked you?”
*Describes mother*
*Gets a copy of picture*
*Gives it to mum as late birthday present*
You can have a child or you can have a phone charger. You can’t have both.
does the “apple a day keeps the doctor away” thing work on all types of doctors? my neighbor is a PhD in marine biology and keeps trying to talk to me about the various uses of squid ink
❤Missed connection❤
You were the street magician who pointed at me and asked me to shout out the name of a card
I was the guy in the red shirt who panicked and shouted out “PIKACHU” whilst you rolled your eyes
We have a big clock on the wall of our living room and now my toddler, who can’t say her L’s very well, loves pointing out other “big clocks” everywhere we go
I just want to be fit enough to reach into my glove compartment, without crying.
[on date]
Here, let me help you with your jacket!
*i gently remove her jacket*
This is mine now. Cya
*speed dating*
I’m a competitive eater!
Date: Are you any good?
[grabbing my suitcase, dumping 45 hotdogs on table] funny you should ask
I’m like Helen of Troy. Not in the sense of being breathtakingly beautiful, but in the sense of pissing people off and starting wars