That scene in Home Alone where they count their kids but this time there’s one extra, so they sacrifice him
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I’ll always be here for you, unless we run out of beer over here and someone has some over there, then I’ll be over there for you.
a murder of crows, a pride of lions, a virgin of gamers
Mom: Take out the trash
*I take the trash on a lovely date*
Mom: Not what I meant
*I assassinate the trash in an ally*
Mom: Still wrong
I think I want to be a ballerina. Or a fire dancer. Or I want to set a ballerina on fire. I don’t know. I’m still working it out.
Church: Follow Jesus.
Me: Does he follow back?
Church: ..
Me: ..
Church: ..
Me: Shoutout for shoutout??
henry VIII found four more women to marry him after he cut his wife’s head off and i can’t get a txt back
An annoying part of life in the 80s was when you’re already late and, once again, you gotta shoo away some sexy lady lying all over your car
Critics agree that plot considerations did not justify the near-constant nudity in your film “How To Safely Use A Ladder In The Workplace”
Just think, in 10 years you’re going to wish you look as good as you do right now. Assuming you’re still alive.
~inspirational
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
My sense of humor has been described as “please stop” and “you’re ruining dinner”
At bath time, my 4-year-old asked if he could use “the other bath.” We only have one, so, filled with curiosity, I grabbed his little hand and asked him to show me. Kid led me to the dishwasher.
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
I make poor decisions
“Can you explain?”
Sure, but let’s do some shots first
Nobody in this meeting knows I have a McChicken in my pocket.
Husband: *texting me* Any chance we can skip that dinner party tonight?
Me: *already in my pajamas* If that’s what you really want.
People who forget to eat are amazing to me. I miss one meal and I’m burning bridges with immediate family members. I miss two that’s organ failure, total body and mind shutdown by the end of one calendar day
I set an alarm when I’m napping just to make sure I’m not late for my second nap.
This is going to be my year.
WebMD: paranoid schizophrenia
Been to the hospital to get a mole checked. Apparently they all look like that & I should’ve just left it in its hole in the garden.
It’s weird how the UFO’s always seem to crash in places that only the government and military have access to.
I wonder if that football guy will be at the Taylor Swift game again today.
1) Throw a ball of yarn into a fencing battle 2) Wait until the fight is over 3) Retrieve your fully-knitted sweater
The guy at the dispensary sold me on live resin edibles and said “just start with one and see how u feel after 45 mins” but i said to myself hey my tolerance is high i can probably take 3 . it’s been 20 mins and i fear i’ve made a grave mistake.
11yo ceremoniously hands me a handmade birthday card she spent hours on.
13yo just as pleased with himself hands me the card he gave me already on mother’s day
I don’t understand Christian heavy metal. Like why are they so angry for Jesus?
Yall keep making fun of millennials you gonna regret all those karate lessons you bought us
When I become a ghost, Im going to leave messages in blood, but theyre gonna be overwhelmingly positive, like “You’re Doing A Great Job”
I have a solar eclipse every two minutes inside my living room ever since my toddler learned how to open & close the blinds.
My flabber has been gasted.