how many bears make up a bear minimum
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I’m from a family of polite kleptomaniacs.
I take after my dad.
[varnishing an old rocker]
keith richards: what the hell man
Love this young dude soundtracking his Mum’s life with his trombone.
*i finally get a girl over*
*dad rolls out from under my bed*
YO SON WHATA YA CALL A PIG WHO DOES KARATE?
“dad no”
A PORK CHOP
These flies don’t taste like fruit at all.
Me: I’m gonna make you groan!
Her: you mean moan?
Me: no, I’m gonna show you some of my tweets
Twitter is an invention created by aliens so we don’t notice the period of time missing when they take us for experimentation.
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
“So he tells me he’s been grounded, and I says to him… I says Hank, it’s probably because of your bad altitude!”
The chick at this circus just swallowed a sword and I saw a guy elbow his woman like “see?…”
Cool prank:
Dig up 200 earthworms. I will tell you about the rest of the prank later
“30 shots of espresso NOW.”
*barista’s eyes widen*
Whoa what do you do for a living?
“I STAY AWAKE FOR A LIVING!”
*roundhouse kicks barista*
[orders 2,000 Big Macs thinking I’ll only have to tell my mom ‘I love her’ for them]
Cashier: that’ll be $5,364.32
Me: shit
A small part of me is filled with self-loathing for how much pizza I can eat in one sitting. The rest of me is filled with pizza.
[on a test drive]
Me: Haha the heated seat feels like I peed my pants!
Dealer: This car doesn’t have heated seats.
Me: Does it have napkins?
The fact that we don’t use towels to dry towels makes me question the value of towels.
Hey, people who leave the volume on an odd, non divisible by 5 number, how do you live with yourselves?!
Drew blood trying to take a sexy lip bite pic and now I’m on vampire twitter. So, bye, I guess.
[restaurant]
ME: Excuse me, this alphabet soup tastes funny
WAITER: Well it is Comic Sans
DOCTOR: I think you have a curvature of the upper spine
QUASIMODO: That a diagnosis?
D: We need an X-ray to confirm. Right now it’s a hunch
In a restaurant if there’s a crying kid the parents don’t take outside, they got 10 minutes before I bread it, dip it, then eat it.
If Twitter bellies up, I’m getting addresses because we are all pen pals now
*if I had the Infinity Gauntlet*
*in the kitchen, tappin’ to the music, snappin’ to the mu-
ope
Yes I delete tweets when they don’t live up to my expectations.
Just be glad I don’t have kids.
Just found Elf on the Shelf in the bottom of my lingerie drawer. This explains so many things
My job sucks but it pays the bills.
Too bad I can’t say the same things about my boyfriend.
Karen, if you can see this, the tupperware didn’t come with the lasagna. The tupperware wasn’t a gift
8yo Me: *sneaks candy*
14yo Me: *sneaks cigarettes*
18yo Me: *sneaks alcohol*
43yo Me: *sneaks candy*Being an adult is stupid.
It’s gonna be a great beach day, and other mean things meteorologists say as I’m getting ready for work.