She said to take her to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you….
~ Can you believe she walked out the Subway with an attitude!!
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driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
three things we don’t talk about
When did razors get so expensive?
Three more payments and I’ll be able to shave
GUY: I think I’m done eating
ME: did you need a to-go box?
DEATH ROW EXECUTIONER: again, stop asking them that
Why do vegan places always try to copy meat products? Sure meat is murder but plagiarism is a little worse if you think about it
[god in a bad mood but insisting he’s fine]
I wanna make some changes to what we made yesterday
“but the spider is done”
Im adding 6 legs
An 800 number calls me
ME: UGHHH!
The 800 number immediately hangs up
ME: (sad) hey
Really, there’s no need to ever take your kids anywhere fun because they can just sit and complain at home for a lot less money.
He danced with wolves. I’m running with beehives.
[during sex]
me: imma turn the ceiling fan on
giraffe wife: *on top* noooooooo
There’s nothing worse than being in public & you touch something that shouldn’t be sticky & it is.
In lieu of working today i’m gonna commit crimes
I’m dressing up as a public radio station for Halloween so my parents will support me again.
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
i hate “oomf” because i do not read it as “one of my followers” i read it as mario taking damage in mario 64
Exchange student: my village back home still lacks access to clean water
Me: ugh I know how you feel. we’ve needed a Target for like, ever
People think I’m good at keeping secrets but the truth is I’m just bad at paying attention to what you told me.
Cryptocurrency, but it’s just dead people buying stuff.
I booked a suite at a 5 star hotel and when my girlfriend arrived,on the bed spelled out in rose petals was “be right out,I’m taking a shit”
Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.
I onder hich one.
We DNA tested our dog and it turns out he killed a guy in Toledo in ‘79
Midnight snack: battle between how much you crave food versus how much you don’t want to brush your teeth again
This time of year, I grab weeds while I’m walking my dog and weave them into little wreaths that I leave around the neighborhood… specifically because there is a woman on Next Door who is furious because she thinks they are signs of witchcraft. I encourage you to do the same.
I got a squished spider tattooed on the palm of my hand so I can walk around slapping people, no questions asked.
1997: I Know What You Did Last Summer
1998: I Still Know What You Did Last Summer
2006: I’ll Always Know What You Did Last Summer
2020: Say, Remember That Thing You Did 23 Summers Ago? No? Me Neither. In Fairness, it Was a While Ago. Never Mind. As You Were. Bye.
*asks grocery store manager to write a note telling my wife that I looked everywhere but couldn’t find the ice cream she wanted*
Her: A group of iguanas is called a Mess. I love that.
Him: What happens if they get overheated?
Her: I see where this is going. Don’t even think of-
Him: *whispers* hot mess.
A lot of people ask me “why do you lie about the high number of people asking you things?”
Me – When did we get a porch light?
Wife – OK, drink time is over.
Me – Why?
Wife – That’s the moon.
Please. Do not push me into the pool. The pockets of my cargo shorts are filled with packets of Kraft Mac & Cheese powder.