Enough with emails already. I’m only conducting business communication by Snapchat from now on.
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Soccer is fun until you think about the ball’s feelings.
1492
[DAY 6]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s an island, Chris.
[DAY 11]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s a dolphin, Chris.
{At America}
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: *Sigh* You know what? Fine. Sure Chris. You did it. That’s India.
Hot-cross buns!
Hot-cross buns!
One a penny, two a penny,
Hot-cross buns!– I’ll have two then please.
My resume reads like an oddly formatted apology letter
Oh, you like Thanksgiving?
Name 3 pilgrims.
I was just about to have sex but then a gust of wind blew my condom into a labyrinth and like a fool I ran in to get it
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
just weaponized “with all due respect” at my condo board. and now we wait.
When I play the kazoo, I play to win
In a few hours, after I become a billionaire, I’m changing all the contact names in my phone to peasant.
I’m watching Dune at 40 like, “hope that white boy packed sun block.”
My last husband’s name is Don. I just added an E to it and walked away.
GIRLFRIEND: *cosying up to me in bed* What ya thinking?
ME: If the cartoon was made in the 70s would he be called SpongeBob FlarePants?
HER: You know, sometimes it’s ok to just say ‘nothing’.
A dating app called Unhinged and we just post all out red flags and see if anyone is still interested
a bunch of people at a school dance waiting to get a drink
that’s it. that’s the punch line
I came, I saw, I got allergies
~ Julius Sneezer
Apparently if you perm a yak’s hair and spin it around a bunch of times it’s good for your libido…
…It’s a well known afro dizzy yak
Please do not compare your dog problems to parenting. Your dog cannot say your name 3,258 times in a day.
If ex asks you to go bungee jumping remember, cord goes around feet not neck, no matter what they tell you.
people flirting in your comments are like bats writing love notes to eachother in the smoke of your dumpster fire
Friend: Good for you for working out.
Me: I said I done squat today.
I hate when you go to a surprise party, and all anyone wants to do is talk about your drug problem.
Birds wouldn’t be so smug in zero gravity, I bet
My son came home from golfing & took the longest nap. When he woke up, he said, “I took a total Dad nap. I’m going to make the best Dad!”
Something tells me his future wife will not agree with this.
Me: “Where are you headed?”
Daughter: “A sorority thing.”
Me: “Okay, have fun with the new friends I bought you.”
Daughter: “You’re savage.”
alcohol soaked fruit is still considered fruit though right
Sweep her off her feet, but not like the bad guy from Karate Kid.
“When one door closes, another one opens.” -Boeing
In what room do you guys hang the portrait of yourself as a centaur? I was thinking kitchen. The bedroom is kinda cliche
I hope the guy who stole my debit card enjoys his $12 shopping spree.