Therapist: Your relationships fail due to your selfishness
*I slip him a twenty*
T: They fail because you’re great & everyone else is awful
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The charcuterie board is Lazy Susan’s even lazier
cousin.
I think the first person to see a pug was like wait why is that sweet potato snorting?
Watching basketball while on the treadmill feels like reading a book about someone reading an even bigger & better book
Twitter fine art
[House hunters]
Pigs: we’d really love a brick house
Wolf realtor: how do we feel about wood tho?
In my son’s class they were talking about allergies, my son said “My mom says she’s allergic to most other moms” Super
Dogs: I could vomit on the vinyl floor but this carpet two inches to the right seems better
Opening a Christian gym called ‘Jehovah’s Fitness’
Bought so many fireworks the guy working the stand gave me a high four!
me: *summoning the hot dog demon by nailing a shitload of hot dogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hot dog demon: not you again
The problem with having a large imagination is that you can imagine your friends naked. Now you’re doing it too.
Me, day twenty of law school:
Your diligence, the prosecution rests.
Judge: Counselor, for the third time…you are the defense.
Me: Shit! Can I go again?
My grandfather built his house with his bare hands.
I just groaned after I put my shoes on because now I have to tie them.
Somewhere right now someone is dreaming about you. Except your hair is different.
Contrary to what Mario Kart led me to believe, banana peels aren’t an effective way to get rid of tailgaters.
On a side note, do you realize how much they’re getting for littering tickets these days???
Monica just destroyed the internet
[Club]
Him: You want to dance?
Her: *Giggling* Ok
Him: *Scowling* Well go on then
Cake is better than sex because cavities are better than babies
Detective: cause of death
Coroner: too long in a sensory deprivation tank
Detective: that makes no sense
Coroner: i know what it does Dave
Gross if literal…Liverpool
I was so excited. Thought I found an M&M at the bottom of my purse. It was only an earbud. I ate it anyway.
Slept on the floor last night for fun with the kids and now I’m paralyzed
I’m awake but I object,
Best Mother’s Day ever started with my 2.5yo sleeping in till 7:30am and falling asleep at 5:30pm!
Her: Penny for your thoughts?
Me: Oh. I was just wondering if pears ever became sentient, do you think they’d have body image issues?
Her:
Me:
Her: Can I have my money back please?!
Why does the dentist have to take an X-ray of my teeth. They right there bro
I don’t want to kill mice but I know they have to go so the cat takes care of it. When she goes down to the basement I’m like a mafia wife. She’s doing what has to be done and I don’t want to know about it.
Parent (who is a nurse):
Sorry I laughed but your kid is funny! When he was down & hurt in the game & I checked him, I said, “That’s a big gash on your knee.” He said, “It’s my ankle.” I felt it & said “I think it’s okay” & he said, “That’s good, ma’am, but it’s my other ankle.”
her: You look really good.
me: Thanks! That’s a really cool pen. Where did you get it?