My bumper sticker says “My kid is your honor student’s drug dealer.”
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if I wasn’t supposed to grow up to want a sugar daddy why did we base an entire holiday around a much older man bringing me presents for being a good girl
I just accidentally read “Federal” as “Feral” and it made zero difference to the article.
[amusement park]
me: *arms up, screaming*
cashier: but that is the price
Boys are cute how they’re all “I like girls that don’t wear heavy makeup” and “get down from that tree near my window or I’ll call the cops”
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
I got a raw meat sandwich that I really don’t like so I swallowed it completely.
papa cloud: alright little fella, no more diapers
little cloud: *tinkling over desert*
papa: no no no! rainforest, buddy, rainforest!!
Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis
Cat: I want attention.
Me: *pets cat*
Cat: the f*** you think you’re doing??
No matter how powerless you feel, just think to yourself, one single pubic hair off of your body can shut down an entire restaurant.
Just bought a telescope and the eldest asked if I’d be doing horoscopes.
Yes.
Leo: You will be written out of someone’s will.
I take advice from crows because their core strategy of screaming at things and flying away really tracks.
I’m shoplifting items from Dollar Tree and returning them to Five Below for a profit
“Oh, I get it!”
– Me, when I didn’t get it.
By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.
College alumni magazines should share more than just weddings, babies and career stuff, like I wanna see when people get fired or divorced or someone gets cheated on or falls into a well.
Parenthood taught me that if you’re running late and tell your kid to hurry, your kid will be super slow, BUT if you wait patiently, your kid will also be super slow. It doesn’t matter.
78 just had a pacemaker implanted & now he reckons he’s a cyborg. I told him he needs more replacements to qualify…
I’m no longer his favourite kid.
Therapist: Tell me something exciting that happened this week
Me: McDonald’s has a new breakfast sandwich
Therapist:
Me: It has two sausage patties and bacon
Therapist:
Me: Also two slices of cheese, I think
Therapist:
Me: Why do you look so sad
911: what is your emergency?
Me: HE READ BUT DIDN’T REPLY
I saw a commercial on Animal Planet where animals were talking & that’s all well & good but they totally got the giraffe’s accent wrong.
Can you write off a divorce as a home improvement expense
guys i’ve cracked the code
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted.
I’ve lived here over
250 years and haven’t noticed anything strange.
My stupid belt shrunk again today.
Listen employers if I could see where I’d be in five years I’d be joining the X-Men not applying for your shitty job.
Intel’s responses are magic:
– There’s a design flaw in Intel CPUs.
– Intel: no, they work as designed.– It allows stealing of passwords.
– Intel: no, it doesn’t corrupt data.– There are three bugs.
– Intel: we’ve fixed both.
what jerk ever looked at a hamburger and thought “you know what this needs? A nice, soft, warm piece of lettuce.”
I told someone I was 30 and they said “that’s okay.”
Me: You wanna know how I got these scars??
Batman: no, not really-
Me: *slamming my fist on the table* ACNE