I’d grill your cheese.
~me, flirting
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I’m trying to convince my Seattle in-laws the new travel ban means we can’t visit them this summer.
[Honest banana advertisement]
Bananas: You’re gonna buy too many
[Dinner at Arby’s]
Me: Remember our first date here? Feels like yesterday
Her: It was lunch today. Please take me home
Me: Ahh memories
This is from an actual conversation 🤣🤣
Scientist: We don’t really know exactly how that happens. They’re performing electron microscopy, PCR, & tissue cultures to figure it out
Random person: Did you try searching the internet?
People often wonder if Tom and Jerry were enemies offscreen, as well. According to Tom, “sort of.”
The fact that my AC suggests “church” after “I’m heading to…” suggests I have a dumb phone instead of a smart phone.
gryffindor: i only want the bravest
slytherin: i only want the most cunning
ravenclaw: i only want the smartest
hufflepuff: WOW you guys are pretentious
He caught me making googly eyes at my phone. I could’ve avoided a fight by showing him it was just puppy gifs but I was bored.
interviewer: what are your strengths
me: when i was little i drew a picture of a beer so good my mom put it in the refrigerator and an hour later she tried to drink it
interviewer: what about weaknesses
me: my mom’s a mess
Brushed the fur off my couch and made another cat.
If your spouse’s loud chewing bothers you, imagine how much it tortures the poor begging dog.
banned from gardening forum for saying “it was me” every time someone posted and said “help, something is eating my tomatoes”
“Please pre-register for your doctor appointment online, so we can ask you the same 57 questions when you get here.”
Me: *just died* I can finally rest without my kids waking me up for dumb shit
Son using Ouija board: HEY MA
Air conditioners are just human refrigerators
computer: choose a password
me: TheScarletLetter
computer: password cannot contain symbols
wife: what time is it
me, trying to set the world record for longest anyone has gone without bending their elbows: you know I can’t see my watch
If evolution isn’t real, then why are my hands the perfect size and shape for carrying Starbucks cups?
How am I supposed to be professional when something at work is called a dongle?
At cardio class tonight, a 22yo size 0 told me “you run fast for someone your age” so now I have a body to bury if anyone wants to help me.
When your kid says “I told you I knew how to be good” and you start getting flashbacks of all the times when they didn’t know at all
“When you fall in love it burns and you die, right?”
Yes, son. Love is terrible.
“No Mom, I said LAVA.”
Oh. You maybe can survive that one.
Owls are the most beautiful birds. Real head turner.
Date Tip: If a date is going well, a series of loud hoots will scare off other suitors
*husband comes outside*
“What are all the neighbors out here laughing about?”
*sees me trying to skateboard to the mailbox*
Dear ghosts,
If you can move stuff around and flicker lights then you can use a mop
And then God said, “Let there be Black Friday.” and he saw that it was a terrible idea but it was too late cuz people were already in line.
ME: I want a normal night of sleep
MY BRAIN: Right… So, today, you’re gonna sleep from 1 pm ’til 4 pm & again from 9 pm ’til 2 am. Tomorrow, you’re scheduled for 2 hours. The next day is 19 hours which should make up for it but you’ll somehow feel even more tired after. Haha.
unless you’re dead wearing a sheet you got no business ghosting ppl.