Not to brag or anything, but I scored 4 points on flappy bird before my phone mysteriously flung itself across the room
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kinda adds insult to injury that jesus was nailed to the cross since he was a carpenter. whole time he was probably noticing all the corners they cut like “this wood was not sanded properly”
It’s so nice that Girl Scout Cookies come in single serving packages.
law suits: quality garments for lawyers
her: take off my bra
me: ok
her: take off my panties
me: wow ok
her: stop wearing my clothes
My wife asked me why I was doing the dishes while sitting down.
Told her it’s because I can’t stand doing it.
[Ghost flies in while I’m changing my top]
GHOST: Booooooo-OH sorry
ME: It’s fine, go on
GHOST: [shielding eyes] No I’ll come back later
Word puns may make me numb but math puns make me number.
7yo: Did you drink coffee before we were born?
Me: Yes
7yo: Did you eat pancakes?
Me: Yes
7yo: What didn’t you do?
Me: Talk while peeing.
My kid gave me 75 cents for being her mom, so either we need to work on math or I’m a really shitty parent
Getting worms from eating raw cookie dough was a lie made up by Cookie Monster so he could get more cookies
Gonna start feeding my dog condoms, so when she poops they’re already in tiny little bags!
I had a jacket stolen from me tonight. My enemies will stop at nothing to keep me from maintaining a comfortable body temperature in style
coworker: look at my baby
me: wats his name
coworker: jeremy
me: how do u kno
coworker: we named him jeremy
me: wat if he already had a name
the other day a bartender told me his high school did a performance of RENT where they couldn’t say AIDS so all the characters had diabetes
Did you fall out of a vending machine?
Cause you look like a snack!
Boss confused me with another employee and fired me. Then called two days later to fire me for not showing up for 2 days. #HowIGotFired
“I’m sorry”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━0:06
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁ 5%“…but”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━━70:28:54
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁▂▃▄▅▆▇ 100%
Professor i’d like an extension on my paper. why? well my ex just got married & i have to comment “lame” on all her wedding pics on facebook
I’ve received so many Viagra emails my laptop opened on its own.
It’s woman law if another woman tells you your outfit is cute and you got a deal on it you must tell them where you got it and how much it cost.
Hot singles are in your area!
Hot singles are on your block!
Hot singles are in your house!
Hot singles are here to kill you!
guys, i almost wrote an inspirational tweet what is happening
My boyfriend said no girlfriend of his will use social media.
So anyway, I’ll guess I’ll miss what’s his name.
The “walk of shame” should be going to a bar the next morning after being drunk looking for your lost debit card.
“Sorry, that was my bad.”
“Your bad what?”
“No. I’m just sayin’: Sorry. My bad.”
“You’re bad at completing an apologetic sentence?”
“Yeah”
I want to travel like a stolen kidney, handled carefully and packed gently in ice
You come home from a long day at work, you want to relax with a movie, you pop in a blu-ray, turn down the lights, press play, and the first thing you see is an angry lion roaring at you. No wonder Hollywood is dying.
Love how Google seems to know everything I’m doing before I even think about it, but Google Maps needs me to completely type out an address before it knows I’m not looking for driving directions from the US to India.
wife: I wish you’d quit breaking wind at the dinner table
me: *judo chopping the air* champions are always training