My teens first time dusting picture frames and decided going foward that hanging them crooked would
” help the dust fall off”
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Let’s band together to stop Muppet cruelty. How many Elmos need to die before people will take notice?
[enters elevator]
Me: *audible toot*
Them:
Me: I am not here to make friends.
My sarcasm will 100% get me killed one day. Someone could hold a knife to my throat and i’d probably say “what are you gonna do, stab me?”
serial killer: [gently knocking on my bathroom door] you…you ok in there?
Good Cop: *reaches for his gun*
Intimate Moment Cop: *reaches for the same gun and their hands touch*
If money is the root of all evil than my financial situation is proof that I’m the nicest person alive
Yo. Real shit. Just bcause you went and got your logo printed on some t-shirts, that does NOT mean you have a clothing company. U got shirts
Me: Alexa, will you be my Valentine?
Alexa, robotically: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
As if it weren’t bad enough being stuck inside this increasingly failing meat chassis, why’s the calcium scaffolding gotta be weakening too?
i have a lot to offer! most of it’s bad but it’s still a lot
Dr. Oz says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body prevents cellulite. But apparently you can’t do it in Starbucks & now the cops are here.
911: What’s your emer-
She said don’t get her anything for Valentine’s Day!
911: And you didn’t?
No!
911: Placing you in protective custody.
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME: I think the router has reset now
GF: Oh thank God
I’m dreaming of getting rich like my father.
Wow your dad must be a rich man.
No, he too is dreaming of getting rich.
I swear my husband thinks 90% of what I do as a stay home mom is walk around the house & hide his stuff
*hides some stuff
It’s maybe 35%
I don’t scram as often as I used to now it’s usually only if I’m in danger, or if the security guards at the fancy party realize my tuxedo is actually just a t-shirt
Babies get so disrespectful when they don’t want their pacifier
Pretty certain I can more drunk
“Eww” can be a term of endearment, right?
The difference between looking at a kaleidoscopic as a kid vs as an adult.
The migraine that follows.
Wife’s outta her goddamn mind if she thinks I won’t purposely fall off this ladder to prove we should’ve hired someone to wash the windows.
I was awake around 4-5am because I needed to pee, but then somehow got my breathing mode stuck in manual versus automatic when trying to fall back asleep. What the hell, brain?
Wife – “I’m leaving you…”
Me – “noooooo…”
Wife – “…a hotdog in my will”
Me – “…oooyeeahhhhhh”
When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper “you did this.”
TEACHER: can anybody tell me the answer to this problem
ME: *raising hand confidently* no
Sometimes I like to think that at the end of a long day, the chips and dip in my kitchen see me and think, “We thought you’d never come back for us!”
Our homeschooling curriculum includes: Honors Laundry and AP Vaccumming.
*When you can teleport through your phone*
Hello! Can you here me?
Who needs Google when you’ve got a brother-in-law who knows it all?
*Hears a joke about a chocolate bar*
*Snickers*