Told my daughter that whoever takes the longest nap gets to choose what’s for dinner.
And now we wait.
You Might Also Like
“Are you ok?” No my cheese drawer is empty
Michelangelo: Why are you naked?
Me: How else are you going to sculpt me like you did David?
Michelangelo: Dude, I’m a ninja turtle!
DATE: Didn’t you order peppers on your salad? I don’t see any-
ME: *whispers* Ghost peppers
Hey little kid throwing a tantrum at the store cuz your mom won’t buy you that “sugary” cereal, I buy my kids that sugary cereal.
Asked my wife if I was going to get a “tip” for driving her around today.
She laughed and laughed.
Apparently so hard, she got a headache.
Baby Judge: You’re sentenced to 3 jars of strained peas.
*baby bailiffs drop their squeaky toys*
*an infant juror spits up*
Wife: We’re so happy we finish each other’s
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Marriage Counsellor: ok so not happy
Ladies, if you love zoos and meet a nice man who’s in charge of one, he’s a keeper.
If you need some deep cleaning done today, find someone with ADHD who has a paper due tomorrow morning
Can’t
I’m serenading the neighbors with my harmonica at 2am
If I don’t wake up with Britney Spears’ body circa “I’m a Slave 4 U” and a rich handsome boyfriend then I KNOW Santa’s not real.
[castle wall]
KNIGHT: the enemy is advancing
ME: *panicking* close the gates! man your battle stations!
KNIGHT: their chariots are pulled by puppies
ME: keep the gates half open. let’s see how this plays out
“Remember that man you met for 5 seconds when you were 2 months old? Let me catch you up on his medical history”
-my relatives
If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler’s hand.
When someone tries to tell me they can’t do something, I’m like “you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?”
In the old days if you wanted to hit snooze you had to shoot the rooster with a tranq dart that lasted exactly 9 minutes
I just found a human tooth and a pair of underwear in my purse. I might be a serial killer or I might be a mom, you’ll never know.
I was tired of arguing with my 3yo about getting dressed for school, so I made a sticker chart. Now, we also argue about stickers.
Dogs lick each other’s butts to tell each other they like them. Just like politicians
If I could have dinner with anyone, dead and alive, it would definitely be Schrodinger’s cat.
These people at the theater are looking at me like they’ve never seen a grown woman hugging a stuffed animal at a scary clown movie before
It’s like my granddad used to say “If you have to ask the question, then you don’t know the answer.”
This is a wedding toast I made up you can use if you want:
Some say you aren’t good enough for him. Some say you aren’t good enough for her. I say you’re good enough for each other.
Don’t bring a knife to a gunfight. In fact don’t go to a gunfight, what is wrong with you
We put a lot of faith in teenagers who control the rollercoasters at amusement parks. A bad breakup between Tommy and “Princess” Cameron could be the difference between fun and “I don’t think we’re supposed to go around 17 times in a row.”
Yes, this is exactly right
coworker: that’s a great ugly Christmas sweater
me *in my regular sweater*: thanks
I always carry bananas in my purse in case I’m ever chased by bad guys…
…or a giant gorilla.
~Super Mario’s mom probably
Word of the day:
Polymer – Noun – A mermaid with three boyfriends.
We didn’t have child safety seats when I was young. My dad would put a couple of us in the trunk if it meant not taking two cars.