“You have $400. Your boyfriend texts and says he needs $200 and your ex texts and says he needs $100. How much you have left?”
Me: $400 and 2 unread messages
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A career website for plumbers called sinkedin
Real sentence from a press release in my inbox: “Donald Trump lives, works, eats and employs people of all races and religions.”
i think a great bit would be if petsmart had just one big evil looking sword in this section
Weddings are dumb. Except yours. Yours was a great way to spend money.
my kids are suddenly asking why the leprechaun didn’t bring them anything or cause any chaos in our house and apparently me yelling “we aren’t Irish!!” isn’t a good enough explanation?
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
My hot friend: I’ve been alternating CrossFit, yoga and running.
Me: I hear you. I have a mild cough so my abs have been sore for two days.
As the best book lists of 2021 drop
I’ve been teaching the orcas how to sink boats. Soon I will ride one into battle and take my rightful position as lord of the seas right after I learn how to open my eyes underwater
Any man that dates me better have my beer ready when I get home like my cats do
Listen here babe I’m not a mind-reader and I’m also not great at picking up body language so- ok yes that hand gesture I understand
I hate it when I’m in a rage and suddenly remember I’m not wealthy so I can’t hurl expensive bone china into the fireplace.
Me: How much for the Bohemian golf ball?
Clerk: That’s an egg.
I haven’t worn corduroy since that time I almost died in a fire chasing the ice cream man…
Ladies, lemme assure you.. I’m not trying to get into your pants. I can barely get into my own pants at this point.
My wife bought a rice cooker today. I guess we’re going to eat a ton of rice over the next few days and then never again.
People are great at finding evidence that supports their beliefs while dismissing any evidence that contradicts them.
5: How come we never do anything fun?
Me: We went to an amusement park..
5: Yeah but that was a really long time ago
Me: It was yesterday
Bake cookies and the house smells good for 20 minutes.
Bake fish and 4 months later the house still smells like an episode of Deadliest Catch.
Mom, can teenagers drink coffee?
-my 5yo, planning ahead
If my dude is messaging you.. he’s your dude..
Keep. Him. 😂
[SyFy pitch meeting]
Me: A hurricane of cats! PURRICANE!
Producer: Hmmm
Me: A tidal wave of cows! MOONAMI!
Producer: I’m gonna say no
Me: An earthquake of ducks! EARTHQUACK!
Producer: Please leave
Me: *being dragged out by security* FLYPHOOOooon
vampires are dumb, moonlight is reflected sunlight.
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
Diet Tip: Your pants can’t get too tight if you never wear any
[in a steel doomsday bunker]
FRIEND: I could use some kool-aid.
ME: No!
[something strikes the side of our bunker]
Sure, a cooking robot was a great idea til he became sentient & burned your house down cause you didn’t fully appreciate his chicken Vesuvio
“What do you know about atoms?”
“Very little.”
“Besides that.”