Let this be a lesson to everyone: If you love someone, set them free to get married and then divorced and then have a series of mid life crisis relationships and get an embarrassing back tattoo and if they come back it was meant to be
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I bet the kids in Mrs. Doubtfire were surprised when found out their nanny was famous actor Robin Williams the whole time.
bugs when you lift up a rock
I’ve reviewed your insurance & laughter really is the best medicine.
My boss: *flicks ash off cigarette* So I says to her, I says “Relax, babe, I only objectify hot chicks. You’re safe” lol
HR: *scribbling furiously* Slow down, I don’t want to miss any- AARGH! HAND CRAMP!
16- *bragging about his mustache*
12- Mom’s mustache is way better than yours
Me-
Gandalf in the streets, Frodo Baggins in the sheets
boss:
me:
boss:
me: [slowly removing tiara i made out of binder clips]
[at restaurant]
Table for two please.
“Do you have reservations?”
Yes, this place looks like a dump but I’m hungry.
my boss said “why is your shirt untucked” and I said “bc my pants are tucked into my shirt” and now i’m the sales manager
People who pronounce didn’t as.”dih-in’t” please doh-on’t.
Just finished my first painting.
Tasted awful.
Not sure if my toddler goes to daycare or a disease-of-the-month club
just learned that all of the “You’re the best!” texts my dad sends me are one of three quick reply options in his Toyota Rav4
What is the German word for being sad that you finished all the food
Dracula: Let me give you eternal life….
Me: Are you kidding me have you looked around at this world…no thank you.
Dracula: What time is sunrise?
No one told me my life would become so much googling it
Toddlers and Tiaras: Fat, sexually frustrated soccer moms invest their husband’s money in ruining their daughter’s lives.
When people shorten words for no reason it makes me want to commit murds.
*tattoo parlor*
ARTIST: What do you want?
ME: Surprise me
*He tattoos the word ‘hiccup’*
ME: Why did y-
ARTIST: BOO!
*the tattoo disappears*
PENSIVE MAN: the most terrifying enemy we face is the fear within
PERSON WHO NARROWLY SURVIVED A GRIZZLY ATTACK: or a bear
Me: I made this belt out of herbs
Her: why?
Me: oh, just waisting some thyme
So many mixed messages in the media. Titanic tells us “never let go.” Frozen says “let it go.” Smdh
Me: [buckling 3yo into car seat] You can’t have a popsicle in the car. You’ll get messy and sticky.
3yo: *ear-shattering screams*
Me: Good point. How many do you want?
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
water baby: when i grow up, i wanna be the ocean
water dad: with your grades, you’ll be lucky if you end up as dasani
Me: One large buttery popcorn please!
Him: Ma’am you have to buy a ticket to get into the movies…
Me: One large buttery popcorn TO GO SIR
Ok guys, if anyone asks about what happened to this gallon of ice cream, I was mugged by a family of 8.
I didn’t go to the Carribean, my tan is from standing infront of the rotisserie chicken at Costco
[after a fight]
Enjoy your peanuts and raisins, I whisper, eating all the M&Ms from the trail mix.
Interviewer: Tell me your convictions
Me: Arson, 5 years. I burnt down my office
Interviewer: I mean like ‘firm beliefs’
Me: Company loyalty