H: I feel like you are ignoring me
M: trust your feelings
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My boss is getting the whole team a license to kill, hoping that we’ll Bond.
You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.
What’s that? There’s a Harry Potter marathon on TV? Cancel all my plans!
My cat: Meow
Yes I know we have all the DVDs…
“I’m THIRSTY!”
“Can I have a drink?”
“DAAAAAAAAD!”
“I WANT WAAAAAAAAAAAAATER!”See? My son can turn water into whine, too.
Your move, God.
Phones down.
Microwave:
Me: *waves back*
I heard that #TheDress debate has already destroyed 18 relationships. These people probably shouldn’t be breeding anyway.
HOW ARE SPOTTED OWLS ENDANGERED IF THEY’RE ALWAYS BEING SEEN
[job interview]
“Tell me a strength.”
I’m a decision maker.
“Excellent. How about a weakness?”
I’m a bad decision maker.
“Come on man! I’m sure your superpower is cool! Show me!
“Ok” *stares at two glasses of soda* the diet is on the right.”
“Wow um..neat…”
Either this rapid COVID test is defective or I didn’t pee on it long enough.
It was midnight. I was alone and online with a lot of available credit. I saw an ad for boots. The perfect storm began. I bought shoes, a bra, 11 pounds of tomato sauce, a life-size elephant inflatable, and two used cars.
When I’m older my plan is to mostly talk gibberish then very occasionally turn to a grandchild and say
‘Of course the money is all in that account in Switzerland’.And then start talking gibberish again.
I almost wish the guy I’m stalking would find me and call the cops. These bushes are scratchy and my legs are cramping.
*flagging down passing pizza delivery vehicle*
I’LL PAY YOU TWICE WHAT THEY WERE GOING TO PAY YOU
Drunkenly got behind the wheel last night
My therapist is so lucky. I’m like a Netflix Original that pays her to watch.
Just heard my husband in the kitchen telling our cat “You’re not hungry, you’re bored. Drink some water.”
I just ran a .003048K
right now there are two wolves inside me but i feel like i could still eat like one half more wolf
Me: *sends myself a reminder text about an appointment*
Phone: *ding*
Me: Ooh, who’s texting me?
“If the landlord asks, you’re a Chihuahua.”
Karate classes…
Because breaking boards on your head is all cool and shit if a House ever starts attacking you.
On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.
Wife & son backing out in the car,
4yo: “So LONG, suckers!” [slams garage door]
4yo [opens door again]: “Not you Mommy!”
Hit 1,000 followers and a 100 star tweet on the same day! Do you know what that means?!
900 of you don’t read my shit.
Guys named Hugh are 75% ugh
Our tree caught on fire we threw it outside and the dog dragged it back into the House
DATE: So it says on your profile that you’re a contractor.
ME: I’m.
HER: Check please!