damn girl r u internet explorer cause u are not responding lol
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“Put your pants on grandma, you’re scaring the reptiles!”
– Me, camping
Can Happiness buy money?
My sense of humor is so dark that my grandmother would have been very unhappy if my sister went on a date with it.
[At job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have a police record?
Me: No. But I do have a few of their albums on cassette
*hires me instantly
Your brain needs exercise just as much as your body does
That’s why I think of running everyday
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
Why did they call it Big Pharma and not The Pilluminati.
I fail to see how his relationship status is of any relevance
My kids built a fort last night and it’s the cleanest room in the entire house.
Shania Twain marrying her best friend’s ex husband after her husband and best friend had an affair is some count of monte cristo level shit
Thanks to Garfield I learned that cats love lasagna
Thanks to my veterinarian I learned that cats are allergic to garlic
Watching two people at work argue about who put the empty milk back in the fridge when it was me.
Nobody:
8: “Mommy! Did you know that cowboys say YEE-HA! and ninjas say HEE-YA!”
I bought a safe. Then I had to store the key, so I bought another safe. Then another for that key. See, this is how Big Safe gets you.
making baked potatoes in the oven is fun because they’re either ready in 30 minutes or 147hrs
Beautiful day in Ohio. Went out for a run but I was back home in a couple of minutes because I forgot something. I forgot that I’m old and fat and can’t run for more than two minutes. if that.
When someone walks into a room, I like to tap the person next to me and in a loud stage whisper say “Is that who you were telling me about?”
If my grandfather were alive today he’d be trapped in a box underground. Horrible to think about really.
sex is great & all.. but have you ever successfully poured liquid from one cup into another WITHOUT spilling it?
Meanwhile, at the local farmer’s market…..
Hey IKEA,
Marriage Therapists and Divorce Lawyers on site in your stores, you’d make a killing.
You can use the phrase “lickity split” as much as you want at work and they can’t fire you.
Someone told me they don’t wear a mask cuz their nose is too big. Give me a break. I wear underwear.
If my husband doesn’t start helping with the housework soon, we’ll need a crime scene cleaning crew.
Courageously battles through my ice cream headache
*watching husband sleep*
Me: “I just love him so much, he’s my everyth-”
*husband snores*
Me: “I can’t live like this.”
This is why I don’t delete Facebook
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
“Whats the deal with all this airline food?”
-Sharks in Malaysia
CW: Aimee, could I get your signature on this agreement?
Me: *pauses*
(with Cheeto stained lips)
*kisses paper*
CW:
Me: That’s my signature.