Sometimes I lie and tell my husband I spent $300 at Costco so he’ll stop talking to me.
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Gym employee: -and here’s your membership card.
Me: So we fight here?
GE: What?
Me: I fight you and get your gym’s badge. So you want me to defeat you in your office or-
GE: Oh, ha! I think you might be confused (turns baseball cap around) for it is you who will taste defeat
Google search history:
-double chin reduction exercises
-double chin plastic surgery cost
-double fudge brownie recipe
My mate called me an idiot for always getting my idioms wrong but it takes one to know someone.
In case you’re considering having kids, I’ve been awake since sunrise trying to fulfill breakfast requests of: 1. Pancakes 2. Pizza 3. Green
My 4yo wants a younger sibling. I keep telling her no. 4 kids is enough. She keeps trying to convince me. Today she said, “you can make this one an outside baby.” Like, the baby only lives outside. She’s getting really good at this. I can maybe go for an outside baby, maybe.
It has come to my attention that I may be the only person in the world that keeps gloves in my glove box.
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
Had this weird dream last night that I was Superman, but I was only able to fly really low to the ground because I’m chubby.
People say eye contact is important when flirting, but when I put my finger in someone’s eye they never seem to like it.
very niche meme I made
Met a girl last night and went back to her place. I noticed in her wardrobe that she has a nurses outfit, maids outfit and a policewomans outfit, so I made my excuses and left.
If she can’t hold a job down she isn’t the girl for me.
[At the car dealership]
Me: See, this has everything I want, right here
Salesman: Sir, our soda machine is not for sale
Therapist: “How does this make you feel?”
Me: “Feel?”
“Contactless is safer”, I tell my husband
Before you spend $200 on birthday party entertainment for your child, I sprayed my son and his friends for 45 minutes with the hose. Rave reviews.
Dear young cashier,
$100.89 is not pronounced $189.
Signed, a lady you scared
The most unbelievable aspect of the Star Trek universe is that every ship they meet has compatible video conferencing facilities…
Intelligence:
Below average – Loves Joe Rogan
Average – Thinks he’s okay and listens occasionally
Above average – Despises Joe Rogan
Genius level – Never heard of Joe Rogan
Top 1% genius – Have never heard of Joe Rogan but are scheduled to be on his show next week
Fifty Shades of Grey is only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he was living in a trailer park it would be a Criminal Minds episode.
Interviewer: what interests you about this job?
Me: the pay
Interviewer: can you be more specific?
Me: cash
My longest relationship has been with my Hotmail account.
“What should we call the 5th month?”
May I suggest-
“Great suggestion. May it is”
One time I saw a biker’s funeral procession and realized even dead people are cooler than me.
I’m starting a merciful puzzle company that keeps the edge pieces separate from the middle pieces because it’s 2019 and we shouldn’t have to work so hard to be bored.
One of the downfalls of sleeping with a fan and then the power going out is your kid asking what that weird noise is and it’s just you breathing normally.
No need to rev your engine, I’m not impressed by your car unless it’s a food truck
Yoou can lead a horse to water but you need a seahorse to continue your journey
*stubs toe
*puts $100 in the swear jar
DR.: you’re going to feel a little bit of pressure. Ready?
ME: yes
DR.: your sister is younger but already has a career path & owns her home
E-thugs. Because talking shit in person is dangerous.