🤣🤣🤣😆 Easy assemble?
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I swallowed a Ice Cube and I haven’t pooped it out yet, I’m really scared you guys.
If I don’t introduce you to the person I’m with it’s because I don’t remember either of your names.
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: You’ve already written no
Doctor: I just looked at you and made a guess
Me: well let me tell you, it was a good guess
I refuse to pay all that money for CrossFit. If I want a man to scream at me in a garage, I can visit my dad
[doorbell]
“Hi, do you have time to discuss the Bible?”
“You have cookies?”
“No, sir I-”
“Come back when you have cookies.”*closes door*
Coworker: You look angry.
Me: I’m not.
CW: Really angry.
Me: THIS IS MY NORMAL FACE
Him: Are you ready?
Me: *didn’t even know we were going anywhere* Um yeah almost.
Person: Aw! How old is your dog?
Me: (whispering) I don’t know. (Covers dog’s ears) She’s adopted.
My family seemed kinda happy that the rice I made yesterday fell on the floor before I could serve it tonight.
“Oh, hello! I didn’t see you there” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you.
Wife: Use your fingers to make me squirm
Me: *plays Baby Shark on Fisher Price xylophone*
What is going on here?
Is Rudolph using a magnifying glass to turn his nose into a raygun?
And who is the reindeer brandishing the cane?
My fly was down the entire day & I didn’t notice. So I’m taking him out for drinks after work. Hopefully that’ll help cheer him up a bit.
I use subtitles so if I learn anything interesting I can say “I was reading about” instead of “I saw on an episode of Love is Blind”
every cat falls into one of the following categories:
• looks like it knows how to use a sword but refuses to teach you
• looks like it just finished eating an éclair
The worst thing you can put in your body is carbs. Or maybe a knife.
What do you mean hide under sturdy furniture during aftershocks, this is NYC, I have a tiny chair
I got a gumball machine for my 11th birthday. It was like saying, “Hey I got you a gift but you have to pay $.10 every time you want to play with it.”
2015:hey how’s it going so far?
2016:uh good
15:
16:
15:you’ve got an armed mili-
16:we’ve got an armed militia in a wildlife building, yeah
I’m tired of hearing that a traditional family is the only way to have a family. A family can be two parents & their kids. It can be a group of friends that love each other or it can be one woman that is followed around by a mysterious flock of blackbirds. Your family is valid.
Wanna go out with me?
Make an awkward face for yes.
Name the entire periodic table for no.
Have the people who designed wine glasses ever washed dishes in their lives?
What’s brown, hairy and wears sunglasses?
A coconut on holiday!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#SaturdayVibes #SaturdayThoughts #Holiday
We really need to stop with the cute names for devastating storms. Winter Storm Voldemort would be taken much more seriously.
*literally any business fails*
journalist: ahh yes, the millennials
me: gimme something strong
[bartender sets down an ant] this little guy can carry 50 times his own body weight
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
I saw The Exorcist when I was 12 and when Father Karras asked Regan what his mother’s maiden name was and she boots pea soup all over him, a guy in the theater yelled ‘his mother’s name was Green’ and that was the first time I really understood what comic relief meant
Me at dinner on a first date: I’m not answering any more questions without a lawyer.