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I vacuumed up a huge spiderweb & then heard a thump in the workout room.
The spiders are lifting weights before they attack me aren’t they?
How are we supposed to fear a storm named Grayson? I’m fighting an urge to iron its prep school uniform or ask it for investment advice.
do u think theres a butter planet?
all the apology videos are terrible because the people capable of writing a good apology are on strike.
Having a daughter in middle school makes you realize every song ever written is highly inappropriate.
BUILDING INSPECTOR: what’s this called
DARTH VADER: the death—
[inspector’s eyes look up from his clipboard]
DARTH VADER: uh the health star
Me: what’s in these shots
Doctor: buddy I just work here
How much for the mirror?
Ma’am that’s the cover of Vogue
“Don’t you understand the basics of cuddling? You don’t struggle and I don’t hurt you.”
My editor dislikes my use of contractions but it’s what it’s
ME: *reading a tweet* What does fr mean?
WIFE: For real
ME: Yes Sharon. I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t want to know.
Feeling a little guilty about looking for a new laptop on my laptop.
Forget the dress guys….. What color am I?
Anxiety tip: Next time you cringe over some embarrassing moment you had years ago try to remember other people’s embarrassing moments. You can’t can you? That’s because you’re the only embarrassing human to exist, everyone else is always thinking about how cringey you are.
Men with salt and pepper hair and healthy self-care habits will do that thing you like*
*Remind you to drink water.
[runs into old friend]
FRIEND: How are the kids?
ME: Good. Both out of the house now.
FRIEND: You feeling “empty nest syndrome?”
ME: What’s that?
FRIEND: Sad and lonely because they’re gone.
ME: *snort laughs*
Her: ‘We should have another kid.’
Me: *puts on Teletubbies marathon*
‘Say that again in 6 hours.’
tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.
half of all the problems in life can be solved by duct tape. For the rest, you’re gonna have to reboot that computer
How’s your Saturday going?
I’ll go first: my 10 yo came upstairs from his video game haze to tell me the dog peed on the rug again. We don’t have a dog.
My husband asked me to iron a shirt, so to be nice, I went out and bought him the same shirt with no wrinkles.
Bruce Willis is talking to a parrot. “I’m Bruce Willis” he says. The parrot repeats it. “yeah right” Bruce says, but is secretly worried
I just heated up a delicious chocolate brownie and put some ice cream on top of it & sat on the couch to enjoy it.
Seconds later, Catherine asked Samuel if he’d like a bite on MY brownie.
I faked a smile and gave him a bite.
Soon after, she asked him AGAIN.
I have no wife.
Babies are 60% water, I can walk on babies, therefore I am 60% jesus
*rookie cop notices splatter on the wall*
Looks like a hotdog defended itself here and lost.
It might sound childish, but when my wife pisses me off, I dry my hands on the towels that “are just for decoration”
My 5yo “cleaned” the house today… she started in the bathroom, with the toilet, and then proceeded to wipe down every inch of the house, including doorknobs, with the same towel.
If that’s not the best analogy for quarantine with kids, I don’t know what is.
Doritos – my own personal love triangles.
ravioli cooking instructions are always like “bring 7 gallons of water to a boil. cook one ravioli at a time. use new water between raviolis. they don’t like thrifted baths.”