[meeting a friend’s new baby]
cool so do you have any non human pets?
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We can land a rover on freakin Mars but still no single-button to push for the
¯_(ツ)_/¯ emoji
Fact: an Owl’s head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.
[office]
ME: I’m back from vacation!
BOSS: It’s been 4 1/2 years! You said a week in Venice!
ME: No, a week on Venus…which is 1701 days
Me: The floor is lava!
Satan: Yes! We just had it redone. It used to be legos. Nice, right?
I’ve been getting some anonymous fortune cookies from an angry American — and I think it’s time to give props for creativity…
garlic bread in the oven for 20 minutes:
still needs to bake11 seconds later:
it’s garlic dust now.
“I’m so glad I stopped killing spiders after re-reading Charlottes Web”, I say out loud to my delicious bacon
Prom tip: DON’T HAVE A BABY
84% of Canadians think the preparations for the American blizzard are “cute”
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
Where do I see myself in five years? *kicks feet up on desk* Sir, does my resumé list “psychics abilities” under skills? No. Next question.
So everyone in Boston got together and decided you can stop telling us to “be safe.” We figured that part out after shit started exploding.
Me: What are you doing in your pajamas still? 3 year old: Eating frosting. Me: Fair enough.
good friend is late 20s. in shape, has £10,000 a year, lives in a fine house with some of the finest woods in the country. but he’s consistently ghosted, ignored, or told “you’re the last man in the world i could be prevailed upon to marry.” modern women are broken.
Taco Bell: try this new thing
Me: what is it
TB: does it matter
Me: no I’ll take 3
To whoever has my voodoo doll, stop making her go to work !
friend: i want a bf
me: i want to hold the reins of 2 equally powerful, beautiful horses who run w/perfectly matched paces & also respect me
ME: I can’t believe he ruined my life.
THERAPIST: Who?
ME: *points at myself* This idiot.
Hey girl are you my golf clubs? Because I tottaly forgot to take you out of my trunk.
THE WEEKND: I can’t feel my face when I’m with you
DENTIST (injecting novocaine): that’s kinda the point dude
My kid drinks a teaspoon of medicine with the intensity of a sommelier at a wine tasting.
Stands at the gates of hell.
Waves to my mother in law.
Leaves.
Aw yeah! Who has two thumbs and is having sex today? That’s right. Somebody else.
No idea how I’ve managed to make it through life dealing with this constant affliction.
My family: Can you stop pointing at us when you say that.
My aunt said she was thankful for the best family in the world and I said “when are they coming?” and it MURDERED.
I made a book review bingo card. Critics are hailing it as ‘a remarkable achievement’.
Say what you will about Facebook but when my wife sees posts by my extended family, at least I don’t look so bad.
I’ve got just over 13 hours to lose 35 pounds and finish a novel
Getting bitten by a radioactive spider didn’t quite turn out the way Mittens imagined
I hate when I think someone’s funny, and then they tweet a joke I saw on a baby onesie advertised on instagram. you tricked me