Want to play doctor? You be the patient, I be the lobotomist.
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My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
Imagine of clown was just a way of life and not a job. You go to a restaurant and there’s a clown waiter. You get sick and there’s a clown surgeon.
grandma: more potatoes?
me: sure
*3 hours later*
grandma: *wiping sweat from her brow* more potatoes?
me: *locking eyes* sure
If I owned a moving company, I’d call it ‘Van Gogh.’
Googling “Can computer problems be caused by too many boogers in the keyboard?”
As a kid my favorite part of the school year was emptying the coat closets that last week. Forgotten clothes. Abandoned book bags. And especially that brown bag terrarium that was once a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
As the officer approached my car I took a big pull of helium from the balloon and started crying
11:34: Arrived at crime scene
11:34: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11:34: Found murder weapon in drain
11:34: Realized watch was broken
If you die* in your dream, you die* in real life.
*pee
if they go extinct, would they be goodbyenas?
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me to the side* this was literally the first thing we talked about
*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*
Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate
I’m not a jealous person but seriously, if you star her tweets one more time I’m going to squeeze the balls of this vodoo doll so hard…
“Get your cup off the table” has a whole other meaning when your a baseball mom.
How to lose an argument with an idiot – 1 Argue.
[car dealership]
“it’s just like walking, except now you have to move your mass AND this 2,000lb vehicle.”
fred flintstone: i’ll take it!
Imagine owning a dragon…now set yourself on fire, because that’s what it would be like to own a dragon.
Idiots
*peeks under bathroom stall*
How’s the wifi signal in there?
8: Miss will you watch this video I really love at lunch?
Me: absolutely tell me what it is –
8: and I think we’ll all be getting used to the swears in it
Me: honey, I’m not watching anything with swears in the school
8: please? There’s only like three or four!
When you’re being watched by a group of people and you’re like… is this how I normally walk? this feels weird, wtf are you doing, legs?
Cat 911: What’s your emergency?
Cat: I knocked everything off the tables now I’m scared!
Cat 911: Seriously?
Cat: No, LOL!
Cat 911: LOL!
I’m too polite to tell you that I dislike you, but if I ever serve you kale…take the hint.
I bought a stationary bike last year and, boy oh boy, has it lived up to its name.
Me handing out pamphlets in front of church: “Have you heard the good news?”
Passer-by: “Sorry. I’m Jewish”
*Me wondering why everyone keeps telling me their religion instead of taking my pamphlet detailing how I finally got laid last night: “That’s cool too, I guess.”
Have donuts and coffee, will travel.
they advertised mcmuffins for only a buck
Peacock tails: Good!
Pee cocktails: Bad.
My current diet all ends with an S.
Pizzas.
Hamburgers.
Tacos.
Nachos.
Everything that’s in sights.
Me *with my dying breath*: Tell my wife I like like her
Things that are loud:
Jet engines
Dynamite
Opening a bag of Sun Chips at a funeral
Rock concerts