*Hanging upside down with my arms folded across my chest* You’d better put that toilet seat down when you’re done!
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Forgot I was sharing my screen and everyone saw my beanie babies inventory spreadsheet omg
Me: Omg all the kids are asleep! I can finally sit and relax!
Dog: Yeah. About that. *pukes all over living room*
Hey, people who solicit a response via text conversation then disappear for hours, I got one thing to say to you…
met this girl online and we’ve been talking for a few weeks… what yall think? 😏😏
My wife and I announce when we’re going to the bathroom, but it’s more a way of saying, “I’m not watching the kids, so if they die in the next 4 minutes it’s all your fault.”
I am a tiny man: when my son was born, the doctor handed me to him
I know how to share fries even if others do not. I am a bear.
[floor creaks inside mansion]
Robber 1: shhhhhh…
Robber 2: …
[Fitbit buzzes]
Me: HEY GUYS I JUST GOT MY STEP GOAL
I respect the tenacity of the Jurassic theme park investors who won’t stop trying to crack the profit formula for making money on murder monsters who keep eating the customers.
her: can you put egg plant on the shopping list
me: *writes* ‘chicken’
My 1-year-old thinks turtles say “vroom vroom.” I hesitate to correct her because who knows what’s what anymore? Maybe turtles are fast now.
Doctors just told me I have “stripper lung” from inhaling too much brass polish & if I go back to “JIGGLERS” again I’ll die.
11: Mom if you’re sweating in a sweater does that make you the sweater?
Me: Just brush your teeth.
Me:
Mime:
Me: You don’t say!
Me: Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
Her: no
Me: *dials another number* Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
Date: Let’s exchange numbers
Me: Won’t that confuse people who try to call us?
Cashier: sir the conveyor belt isn’t meant for riding
Me: I- I gotta know
Cashier: know what?
Me: *sighs* what I’m really worth.
scan me
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
8: “Ugh having a mom is so stressful”
– My son when I asked him to hold the door open for me
When your girlfriend is PMS’ing, cheer her up by showing her that “totally weird” text you got from your ex last night.
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
When a duck takes a selfie, it makes a lonely white girl face.
welcome mats are just gateway rugs
cats have two bladders: a normal one and an emergency one only for use right after you change their litter box
WHISKERS: There’s nothing there. Go ahead.
BLIND PERSON: *Steps off cliff*
WHISKERS: Technically^– why we don’t have seeing-eye cats
At the play museum it was fun showing my kids the toys I used to play with, that is until my tween kept calling them artifacts.
Interviewer: “What did you like best about your last job?”
Me: “Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake.”
judge: my god
divorce lawyer whispers to my wife: we got him
You bring home one goat and suddenly you’re not allowed to go to the farmers market unsupervised anymore.
I’m not an alcoholic. I only go to the liquor store every day because they ask to see my ID & therefore must think I look young & pretty.