Scooby Doo led me to believe there would be a LOT more abandoned amusement parks and old people pretending to be ghosts.
So Disappointed.
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My son’s band, Wasting Groceries, is about to release their newest single “Rejected Banana”.
What’s the name of your kid’s band or hit single?
Most guys propose with a diamond but if you’re really smart give her an onion ring that way if she says no you still have a snack.
Wife: I swear, it’s like you never even listen to me!!!
Me: Sounds great, Dear.
Me: wanna play would you rather?
Her: sure
Me: ok would you rather have a cat or a giraffe named Genevieve who can help out around the house
[gutter rattles in the backyard]
Her: *narrows eyes*
Space Cat: *furious as he knocks items off of a shelf and they just float in place, mocking him*
My husband hates his new job as my IT guy.
[opening birthday presents]
me: …is this another dead cat?schrödinger: *way too excited* we don’t know until you open it!
Me *to person next on me on plane* I’m a nervous flyer, I’ll probably scream when we take off
Co-pilot: what
Treat your guests like family, so they don’t stay too long.
swallowing a bunch of popcorn kernels before getting xrayed
I tried on a pair of shorts at Target and they fit perfectly. I went to check the size and apparently I’m “husky child”
I love the morals of The Ugly Duckling. “It’s ok that you look different. There is beauty in your uniqueness. Your worth comes from withi- oh you got hot lol thank god, I was just saying shit”
[angrily holding cookie under milk for way too long]
Yo whatcha doin bro?
[looks him dead in the eye]
practicing for you
Paris Hilton is worried ISIS will target her because she’s famous. Paris Hilton doesn’t realize that ISIS didn’t exist in 2004.
I need your fingers, rubbing me hard, circling around my red swollen …mosquito bite.
What did YOU think I’m talking about?
Weirdos!!
Does anybody want a cat? Free to a good or average home
I’m not moody, I’m just on shuffle
A kid asked me how babies are made once and I panicked and said 3D printers because no one has ever explained it to me either.
Hey Hotels! Stop keeping decaf coffee in the rooms. If I’m late and need to rush out the last thing I need is a cup of zero energy water that tastes like the Great Depression.
Welcome to your 40s you now spend your Saturday evenings looking for new solitaire games to download
My friend has a four-year-old and they’re teaching him Spanish in preschool. She said “Can you say ‘hello’ in Spanish?” He responded “Hello in Spanish.”
Airports shops be like, sure you’ve got everything? here, buy a surfboard just in case you forgot to pack one
sick of all these cute pet names like mittens or daisy. i’m getting a dog and naming it something cool like truckstop or concrete
[paddling along the amazon silently in a kayak]
wife: “it’s so beautiful”
me: “can you believe they named this after a website?”
Therapist: please tell me a little about what brought you both here today.
Wife: We don’t talk. Plus he is so literal.
Me: My truck.
[before tattoos were invented]
ME: I can’t believe I have to draw a skull on my arm every day
The rain is starting to worry me. I’m afraid that because I have a beard that my friends will expect me to build an ark.
If you guys need me I’ll be strutting confidently through a parking lot toward a car that turns out not to be mine.
Dear god, please let me have sex at least as often as adobe or java needs an update. Everyday.
I’ve stopped checking my bank account because ignorance is bliss and I deserve to be happy