You can extend the olive branch..
but you can’t beat them over the head with it
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Closing time, son
“Huh?”
You don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here
“But I live here Dad”
*Dad stares at me*
Don’t forget your Xbox
1st Born: If you hold him support his head.
2nd Born: Dangle him by his feet, he loves it.
3rd Born: We don’t have a ball, use your baby brother.
WIFE *stuck on crossword puzzle*: I need a four-letter word for “Identical”.
ME *also stuck on crossword puzzle*: same.
Goodnight moon, goodnight stars, goodnight perfectly normal Purple Rain album cover where Prince’s eyes follow u across the room
DATE: Are we in Starbucks because you’ve forgotten my name?
ME: Haha of course that’s
BARISTA: Latte for Rachel
ME: not true, Rachel
DATE: That’s not mine
ME: DAMN IT
writing an email takes 5 hours. 4 hours and 55 minutes to avoid and stress and obsess about it and 5 minutes to write it
Me: Thanks for taking the time
Interviewer at Facebook: Sure, let me start by telling you something about yourself
God gave you alcohol, sex and music. Why do you all talk about politics?!
bank robber: ok listen up this is a robbery, everybody be cool [to me] take off those sunglasses
me: first of all, i can’t do both
Everyone: Why don’t you have kids?
*points to dead cactus*
why are math teachers so obsessed with proofs ??? bro WE BELIEVE YOU literally no one here is doubting mr pythagorean
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
Babies make for the worst pets ever, I try to explain to all of the expectant mothers at the grocery store.
A cactus is just a cucumber going through a punk phase.
Every newscast:
“This horrible tragedy occurred in this part of the world. In other news, this irrelevant celebrity did this inane thing.
i put “wake up” and “try to breathe” on my to-do list and long story short it’s 9:30am and guess who’s already had a productive day
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Bring one of those long grabber sticks so you can take the other guy’s gun away.
If you love them set them free but if you don’t love them this still works
My main concern about having kids with my boyfriend is he’ll see me & our two-year-old together and be like “wait they kinda act the same”
If Twitter was a restaurant it would be Five Reply Guys
*limbos away from your hug*
My dad loves to tell this story ab how when he was a kid his family passed Carlo gambino’s house on the way to church and his dad said solemnly “someday that guys gonna wake up with a bullet in his head”
What kind of key opens the door to a haunted house
A spoo-key.
Name fifty reasons you think I’m too demanding.
Me: YOU CAN DO IT SON!
Son: Why are you being so encouraging? Are you drunk?
Me: Yep. So pass your driving test or we’re walking home.
I hate when millennials make up new words and demand that we all use them. people should only communicate like they did before we started making up all these words: using short grunts & hitting each other over the head with large knobbly clubs
You don’t know your own leg strength until you’re kicking the end of a Hotel tucked bed sheet
A good way to meet all of your neighbors at once is to take the trash out, in your pajamas.
If I can hear you chew, I have fantasized about your death.
If you see a woman sitting alone eating a kale salad just leave her and her sadness alone