*gets into canoe*
Guide: Ok, everyone grab an oar!
*gets out of canoe*
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I’d like to assure my concerned neighbors that although I have slowly driven by your house 97 times in the last 20 mins, I am not, in fact, a predator or a stalker. I am waiting for my insomniac toddler to fall asleep.
Good morning, a spider’s favorite music app is Spotafly and your day can only get better from this joke forward Happy Thursday
Me: I wish I could see your skeleton.
Him: I love how everything you say is sweet but also vaguely threatening.
Oh, please… A few us get together, shave our heads, turn our property and money over to a charismatic leader, and SUDDENLY it’s a cult!
Boarding a plane so if a flight attendant asks if there’s a doctor I’m hoping I’m not the only one
*BF walks in on me surrounded by dozens of empty Reddi Whip cans*
ARE YOU HUFFING AEROSOL?
Me- *Mouth full of whip cream* –
Yeff
Chicken pot pie sounds like such a good idea. If you add commas.
VITAMIN WATER: we’re like water, but with vitamins
ME: which ones
VITAMIN WATER: well sugar is a vitamin
ME: no it’s not
VITAMIN WATER: what about blue
Doctor: I want you to take it easy on your joints from now on.
Me: ok
(later at home)
Me, talking to my blunt: I’m sorry I called you fat.
2 incomes are better than 1 fellas. Make sure your girl got 2 jobs
Good news class—you are exactly 9 years old, so from here on out, we’ll exclusively be reading books where the dog dies.
me: *on my 100th crunch at the gym*
employee: ur getting cheeto dust on the weights
These aliens are smart. They only appear to people who don’t know how to operate a camera.
Bad luck, Atheists named Christian.
People who call themselves “grammar Nazis” deserve the worst possible sentence.
I bet the kids who TP’d my yard last night and didn’t know that toilet paper was on my grocery list, feel pretty stupid right about now
I missed a swipe when shaving my legs and now my leg has a mohawk
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
[romantic walk]
Me: *turns to date* darling
Her: *gasps*
Me: *gets down on one knee* will you
Her: omg
Me: protest racial inequality with me
Client, “I should have known this marriage was going to fail when he hid my engagement ring in a gas station taquito.”
If two pieces of pizza share the same pepperoni that is one piece of pizza. Don’t let anybody tell you differently
Imagine breaking up on the moon but then you have the whole rocket ship ride home together
how to market bottled water to dads
I remember when I was 14 I really wanted a ZX Spectrum. I did odd jobs, and saved up my pocket money and paper-round wages until eventually I had enough money to pay my cousin Dawn to steal one from Dixon’s
After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.
person walking by my house:
my dog: I’ve killed people for less
came out to my parents (!) and my dad was like, oh that’s nice! i thought you were going to ask for money!
[at movie theatre]
Wife: Shhhhhhhhhhh
Son: …
Daughter: …
Me (whispers): …it
When CNN says they’re “breaking news” they are, in a sense, right.
Since joining twitter I’ve started 2 new collections ………. Dust and cobwebs !