WIFE: My favorite jeans are too tight now.
ME: That sucks.
WIFE: You must have shrunk them in the wash.
ME: But, they weren’t even in the laun-
WIFE: …
ME: You’re right, I’m sorry.
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The entire premise of Scooby Doo was if you’re scary enough people will leave you the hell alone to pursue your passion. It’s been a guiding principle of my adult life.
I requested better work conditions but my boss screamed and threw his toy at me and now we’re both sitting in the playpen crying
Damn girl, are you my Boy Scout troop leader? Cause you’re making me pitch a tent.
*controversially folds piece of paper lengthwise*
Hyena: what’s my name again?
God: hyena.
Hyena: hi.
God: hi.
Hyena: i’m Ena : )
God: that-that’s not your name.
Hyena: oh. what is it?
God: hyena.
Hyena:
God:
Hyena: hi. i’m Ena : )
Therapist: Your relationships are unhealthy
Me: I have a healthy relationship with denial
I’m a professional burglar. I’ve always been careful to not shit on my own doorstep and have made a point of leaving my neighbours alone. This is not made easier by the local Whatsapp group where people regularly state their holiday dates to everyone
@funTweeters Oh, wow! Thank you for adopting me into this incredible family of hilarity! Proud to be in such admirable company. 😊🙌🎉
How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they just beat the room for being black.
*drops mic, gets beat by security*
Everything that is wrong with America, in one image.
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
Everyone keeps returning to the same hypothetical. If loving you is wrong…
Bullshit.
What if loving you is gross? That’s the question.
What do you call someone who only believes 12.5% of the Bible?
An eighteist.
A near death experience but it’s just me waiting for my 7yo to pick out a souvenir
when ppl hold the baby and the baby cries & parents say “oh he’s just tired,” we’re lying, the baby really does hate you
You can’t have your cake and thigh gap too.
Sorry I panicked and told your kids that Santa is able to visit every house in one night because he does meth.
Jaws (1975): A shark gets annoyed because a bunch of people break into the ocean
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
My thoughts are with you but my prayers are reserved for Kelly on FB that’s cooking a casserole for the first time.
I’m a kid at heart and a senior citizen at knees and back.
I feel bad for women who say finding true love is the best experience in life. They’ve obviously never found their bra size on clearance.
Police: Pull over and stop!
Me: [on moped]What’s the problem?
Police: You’re not wearing the proper reflective equipment! We’re taking you in!
Me: [wearing reflector vest, blaze orange parachute pants, coal miners hat, Michael Jacksons left glove] I CAN SEE MY HOUSE FROM HERE!
If the covid vaccine is implanting trackers in us then that just means when I get lost in an ikea then they can send in a rescue team
6: What is the skin of an M&M made of?
Me: Well that’s the creepiest way to ask that question.
Sometimes I feel like I’m cheating on my recliner with my loveseat, in case you were wondering how emotionally invested I am in laziness.
Day 3 of my thirty minute DIY project
*Getting pulled over*
Me: I knew we should have Uber’d
My dog: *stopping the car* Jus be cool
Just got every hair on my body waxed off except eyebrows and head. I look like a naked mole rat.
Men, come & get me if you’re into rodents.
“Faster!” I yell, dropping into the bank from the open skylight.
“I’m trying!” Shouts my grandma from above, furiously knitting more cable.