My eyebrows are looking ferocious. They’re about to hop off my face & maul someone.
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[date]
EXPECTATION:
Me: [dazzles her with charm and wit]REALITY:
Me: “I hear the chicken is pretty good here.”
[washing my hands in the blood of my enemies] *counting to 20 in my head*
Sometimes I just sit and admire the gray in my husband’s beard, how distinguished it’s becoming, and think “I DID THAT”
“Struggling with insomnia” sounds like you’re just trying to help insomnia put on its coat and it won’t stop waving its arms around.
it is time once again. all hail the thanksgiving tube
Ugh I hate living next to an art school I dragged an old couch outside and a bunch of dudes came over and they’re just taking pictures of it
I read that the smarter a woman is, the harder it is for her to find a man.
MENSA should be calling me any minute, apparently.
If life gives you lemons, remember that they are the result of humans crossbreeding bitter oranges with citrons and do not occur naturally. Therefore life never gave you any lemons to begin with; we made them up.
If you want your teen to finish her homework, tell her to fold the laundry.
In Florida, a man on a beer run chased customers with an alligator under his arm. In a related story, there is a bill to change the Florida state flag to a guy buying beer with an alligator under his arm.
tfw you have a meeting with your boss, and you aren’t entirely sure if you quit or if you got fired but you definitely don’t work there anymore
wife’s still mad that I responded to the priest after he said our wedding vows with “agree to disagree”
I made a graph showing my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.
Coworker: sorry to bother you
Me: you should be
Do I speak Spanish?
Oui!
Festive Fact: Women who put on weight over the festive period are 98% more likely to live longer than their partners who point it out.
The worst thing about life is getting comfortable and then realizing that you don’t have the remote.
My 6 year old just said that if she likes her husband she’ll take his last name, but if she doesn’t like him he’ll have to take her last name. Sounds fair to me.
Found pickle trapped next to a rock in the river. Grabbed it out of curiosity. Realized it was a pickle. Grossed out I threw it back into river. Decided I needed a picture. Chased pickle down the river. Jumped in river in newly thrifted sneakers for pickle. Took picture. Voila.
Condom commercials shouldn’t make sex look fun, they should make parenting look terrible
Have kids so you can get weird compliments like “You look nice in that dress, like a Saturday raisin.”
announcing “i’m pregnant”
– pretty normal
– congratulations
– are you excited?screaming “there’s something inside of me”
– sounds dangerous
– we still talking about pregnancy?
– are you john hurt’s character from the hit film alien?
Threw my back out due to overwhelming sensuality again.
ME: Diligently sanitizing countertops, faucets, door knobs, light switches, remote controls, phones, hands,
ALSO ME: Eating a piece of a Kit Kat I dropped on the floor because wasting chocolate? In these times?
The dog hair situation became dire and I had to lint-roll my face.
Boss-You’re Always the first one here!
Me-Hey,*early bird gets the worm, right?
*gets to poop or drink coffee without 3yr old interrupting
Wife: You put the wrong date on this.
Me: Oh, yeah. The year change always messes me up.
Wife: You wrote 1992.
I really think the person who first discovered the hallucinogenic effects of licking certain toads was probably on enough drugs already.
My husband and I get along better since realizing how much our yelling upsets the dog.
“Hear me out. I know the cookies are a solid fundraiser, but picture this… mobile margarita truck!”
– and that was the last time I was on the planning committee for the local Girl Scouts.