My son said, “If you had to lose one sense, what would it be?” Without missing a beat, my daughter said taste. Which would have been fine had we not been eating the dinner that I made.
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‘Why do people even talk to babies? It’s not like they can understand anything’ I ask my dog.
humans: wat did we ever do to deserve dogs
dogs: wat horible sins were done to our ancestors for us to be subservient to the humabns
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I’ve got bad news
ME: *pulls an apple from pocket*
DOCTOR: *sweating* GOOD NEWS, I MEANT GOOD NEWS
Waiter: here’s your milksha-
James Bond: grrrrrrr
Waiter: -stirred your milkstirred
Wow. I got my first #ChatGPT-written paper for an undergrad assignment on positionality. This line was the tell: “I do not have a personal history, identity, or culture in the traditional sense because I am an artificial intelligence language model.” Ooof!
My sex life is like Coca-Cola; first it was normal, then light and now zero.
From now on, I am starting violent emails with “to whom it WILL concern”. I want to be clear that I am fighting!
When you’re going through boxes and cabinets of dishes, 5 curious cats jumping in and out of everything is a rare treat.
My favorite part about Black Friday is the part where I go to the mall, find a great parking spot & sit in my car with the reverse lights on
Owls only seem clever because they’re nocturnal. All the people you’re comparing them to are drunk.
I miss being the age where the most devastating thing in the world was when my sandwiches got cut into squares instead of triangles.
HOW TO DIAGNOSE ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION:
1) It’s not very hard
I’ve never texted someone to let them know I made it home safe. Shoulda come with me if you wanted details
My super power is being that person in all your crowd selfies staring directly into your camera.
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
Telling a woman to get back in the kitchen is a weird insult to lob on Twitter. We can still tweet from kitchens. We have wifi & data plans.
The local children surround me, trying to build a pyre. I’M NOT A WITCH, I shriek, my witch-like shrieking doing me no favours whatsoever
Everyone: “You don’t watch Game of Thones?! Watch it immediately.”
After every episode: “That was HORRIBLE.”
Cat owners aren’t lazy. They’re just often paralyzed for hours because the supreme ruler of the house is sleeping on their lap.
A poor analogy is like a bad comparison
Why do they call it “a crystal meth addiction” and not “methamaddicts?”
roses are red / violets are blue
who let the dogs out / who who who who
*Knocks on Misery’s door*
Me: Hey! I heard you love company.
Misery *through mail slot*: not you
I’ve been trying to figure out why I overslept today. Just realized drunk me set my calculator for $7.30.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Coffee costs less
Than a dinner for two
Stranger: Where did you get peanut butter scented sunscreen?
Me: Sunscreen?
sex so good you start seeing dead people..
oh wait, I’m in a morgue, scratch that
My son is the reason I get out of bed every morning. Otherwise, he might attempt to make his own breakfast.
My doctor said avocados help with depression but so far it’s just sitting there on my counter doing nothing.
If by “new money” you mean it hasn’t been printed yet, yes, that’s me.